Page 40 - HaMizrachi # 21 Tisha B'Av 2020 USA
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GENERAL INTEREST PARENTING
Dr. David Pelcovitz
THE IMPORTANCE OF
Perspective Taking
any indirect forces shape supportively challenge their child’s There is a fascinating Rabbi Nach-
our children’s values and thinking in an atmosphere that is man story that explains the signif-
Mraising a mensch is so marked by respect for the views icance of the Torah being given in
much more complicated than only of others, including those of their the arafel, in the mist. We acquire
telling them what to do. Longitu- child. wisdom in the fog. “The people
dinal studies that identify the core kept their distance but Moshe
ingredients associated with raising After giving a lecture that included approached the fog where G-d
an empathic child identify a subtle a discussion of this topic, a Rabbi in was.” Rav Nachman explains this
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process typically present in such the audience told me the following passage as having the following
families. story. He had just taken a position implication: “For when they saw the
as the leader of a shul that had had
Parents who raise children who a rocky relationship with the previ- mist, the obstacle, they kept their
become kind and charitable adults ous Rabbi. He was shocked to hear distance.” But Moshe approached,
expose them to discussions that that the son of one of his congre- into the obstacle, which is precisely
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show respect for those with whom gants had just become engaged to where G-d was hidden.
they disagree. Imagine a family a non-Jewish woman. He met with Even the most basic examination of
sitting around a Shabbat table dis- the young man to understand how the Talmud is an education in the
cussing an issue about which they this happened and to try to dissuade core value of Jews being comfort-
feel passionately. Parents who show him from his decision. The young able with uncertainty. How often in
contempt or disrespect are convey- man explained that all of his life, Talmudic discussions do we see a
ing a very powerful message to their the conversation he heard around high level of comfort with conclud-
children. They are modeling an the Shabbat table was dominated by ing: אישק (that is indeed a question)
approach to conflict that includes his parents’ bitter complaints about or וקית (we will have to wait for the
disdain and contempt for those who the previous Rabbi. When company coming of the Messiah to come to
view the world differently. Whether came over, this too was a major a conclusion about this issue). The
the discussion is about family mem- topic of conversation. He asked the Talmud tells us that the reason we
bers, friends, or the leadership of Rabbi: “How do you expect me to
the local shul or yeshiva, showing view this religion? I was a young, adopt the opinions of the house of
respect for those with whom we impressionable boy and my view of Hillel over the house of Shammai
disagree is a very potent lesson for Judaism was mainly informed by the is that the house of Hillel was able
children. bitter anger my parents and their to appreciate the perspective of the
friends felt toward their spiritual members of the house of Sham-
A crucial facet of this process is leader. I see no reason to continue mai and take that perspective into
the parental promotion of per- to belong to a religion that was so account in making their decisions.
spective-taking in their children. devalued by my parents and their
It is common sense that children friends.” Adapted from Balanced Parenting by
Rabbi Raphael Pelcovitz and Dr. David
who are encouraged to see things Pelcovitz
respectfully – through the eyes of Who do you want your children
others, even those with whom we to marry one day? Somebody
disagree – are getting an important who comes from a family where 1 Shemot 20:17.
lesson in one of the basic building the views of others are dealt with 2 Likutei Moharan, 115.
blocks of empathy. Parents whose respect, and where there is an effort
discussion style is associated with to understand the opposite view-
instilling the proper values in their point? Isn’t that an essential build-
children are also more likely to ing block of a good marriage? Were Dr. David Pelcovitz holds the Gwendolyn
actively encourage their child’s your future daughter-in-law or son- and Joseph Straus Chair in Psychology
participation in family discussions. in-law exposed to a home environ- and Jewish Education at the Azrieli
These parents pull their children ment that taught them to live with Graduate School of Jewish Education and
into discussions with adults and the grays? Administration at Yeshiva University
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