Page 41 - HaMizrachi # 21 Tisha B'Av 2020 USA
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RELATIONSHIPS GENERAL INTEREST
Dr. David Pelcovitz Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier
RESPECT FIRST
Lo e Second
A while many couples do focus on the quicker to argue and less likely to
husband and wife are walk-
love in their marriage, they allow
ing when suddenly he trips.
accept the opinion of their spouses,
“Oy!” she cries out. “Are you one area to slip: respect. And when as opposed to that of someone they
respect slips, the relationship starts
had never met before.
okay?! I hope you’re not hurt.” to fray. Sadly, it’s almost natural.
Why is this? One reason is that we
“It’s okay. It’s okay,” he responds. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned are socialized to be polite. Since
“I’m fine.” marital therapist, did an eye-open- childhood, we’ve been trained to
Let’s revisit the scenario. The same ing study. He studied interactions use our manners and be courteous,
man and woman. The same street. between couples and then com- and we remain true to that — out-
Suddenly he trips and she cries pared their reactions to other side the house. The problem is that
out: “Klutz! What’s wrong with people. often, within our own homes, we
you? Can’t you even walk without To do this, he sat a husband and forget how we are supposed to act.
tripping?” wife across from each other and Interestingly, the Rambam gives us
What’s the difference between sce- videotaped them while they dis- a formula for a beautiful marriage.
nario #1 and scenario #2? cussed certain issues. Then he
asked the wife to step outside and “Our Sages commanded that a hus-
In the first, they are a newly-mar- asked another woman to come in. band must respect his wife more
ried couple. In the second, they He then asked the husband to con- than himself and love her as much
have already been married for three verse about a similar subject with as himself. Likewise, they com-
years. this stranger. He then brought the manded a wife to treat her husband
wife back in and asked the hus-
While this is an anecdote, it illus- band to leave. Again, he introduced with exceeding amounts of honor.
trates a critical point. When a another man and asked the wife If a couple does this, their union
couple begins a marriage, there is to have a conversation with this will be beautiful and praiseworthy.
a sense of newness and excitement. stranger. (Rambam, Hilchot Ishut 15:19)
They are anxious to see each other; The order the Rambam put things
they enjoy each other’s company. Here is what he found: regardless
They are in the infatuation stage. of whether the couples were newly in is illustrative. “A man must
married or long-time veterans, respect his wife more than himself
But that stage was designed to be over and over, they were less polite and love her as much as himself.”
short-lived. Their job is to now towards each other than they were It’s respect first, and love second.
build the real bond of love. And to utter strangers. They were also This point becomes a major obsta-
cle in many marriages. After a few
months or a few years, the common
courtesy and basic respect start to
weaken.
Once the respect slips, the relation-
ship starts to unravel.
Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier is a veteran
educator and noted relationships expert
who served as a high school rebbe for
15 years before creating TheShmuz.com,
a popular website that dispenses weekly
Torah inspiration to 10,000 people across
the globe
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