Page 220 - The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

But Ann’s question did not go away. Later, as we drove
home, Karolyn and I discussed it. We reflected on the early
days of our own marriage and remembered that we had
often experienced feelings of hate. Our condemning words
to each other had stimulated hurt and, on the heels of hurt,
anger. Anger held inside becomes hate. What made the
difference for us? We both knew it was the choice to love.
We had realized that if we continued our pattern of
demanding and condemning, we would destroy our
marriage. Fortunately over a period of about a year, we had
learned how to discuss our differences without condemning
each other, how to make decisions without destroying our
unity, how to give constructive suggestions without being
demanding, and eventually how to speak each other’s
primary love language. (Many of those insights are
recorded in an earlier book, Toward a Growing Marriage,
Moody Publishers.) Our choice to love was made in the
midst of negative feelings toward each other. When we
started speaking each other’s primary love language, the
negative feelings of anger and hate abated.
Our situation, however, was different from Ann’s.
Karolyn and I had both been open to learning and growing. I
knew that Ann’s husband was not. She had told me the
previous week that she had begged him to go for
counseling. She had pleaded for him to read a book or
listen to a tape on marriage, but he had refused all her
efforts toward growth. According to her, his attitude was: “I
don’t have any problems. You are the one with the