Page 14 - Woman 071319_interactive final

BIT CHIN & MO ANING

Bitchin' Fest avoid him at all costs, but unfortu- mayonnaise jar. I hate these group
nately, I ran into him, literally while
things, but people get all weird and
uptight if you don't participate. It's
bringing in my trash can from the
By Carol Heath curb. “Hey little lady need a hand?’ like they take it personally.
After the food is consumed, it
Trust me, he is no knight in shining is time to play the favorite game of
armor, more like a jerk in tin foil. my older community: Let's Bitch!
For years I have heard the “I’m not feeling very well today; I We form a circle with our walkers,
mantra 'you are part of the weaker think I have a cold or maybe it is wheelchairs, etc. and player one
sex.' I usually take this statement in allergies. I may have to go to the begins – The prices for my Depends
stride as I know nothing could be emergency room.” went up again. I'm getting up more
further from the truth. Every wom- “Oh, you have a cold. How rude often to pee during the night. Did
an reading this statement knows of me. I just laid an egg, and now you hear Barbara's son put her
exactly what I am referring to when my body is violently ripping down in some sort of hospital? I wish
I say 'it ain't so,' of course I said it a the walls of my uterus. But may I get the trash people would be a little
bit more eloquently. Being a writer, I you a tissue?" (In strict accordance quieter.
love words, all kinds of words, short to the rules and regulations of SD My turn! I lament about how
ones, long ones, funny ones, etc. etc. Woman Magazine and in full disclo- hard it is to open the damn prescrip-
etc. Words convey a message that we sure and transparency, the afore- tion pill tops. I turn and turn, and
want to share with someone. mentioned statement is from vivid nothing happens, oh push down, I
Ergo, when my neighbor, aka memory only; specifically, mine.) do, still nothing. How are you sup-
total bore, decided to debate this As you may imagine, my sar- posed to take the damn meds if you
little misnomer, I decided to engage casm went way over his head. He can't get the top off? Everyone offers
in the debate. I have discussed this was way into telling me how sick he their solution from getting your
subject on various occasions, and I was, maybe in his head. When it is son to open all the bottles; to my
honestly don't know why I decided time for dinner, he is miraculously annoying neighbor offering to help
to react to my neighbor's declara- cured and back to being one of the me because you guessed it, I'm part
tion. It could be that not only is he a village people acting all macho man. of the weaker sex. I demurely offer
total bore, he is also a know it all, a We were having a group barbeque, my response, "When's the last time
chauvinist, crude, a severe hypo- so I decided to give him a break, you had twins naturally?" Which
chondriac, the list is endless. I try to and I asked him to open my new of course sparks the never-ending
debate on who is the weaker sex.
Again I feel somewhat responsi-
ble, so I suggest maybe these actions
will work in most cases, but I can
name something you can get over
the counter and when you pur-
chase this item you need it now, not
when and if you get it open. Take a
moment to see if you can guess what
it is. Okay, I will tell you; it is very
tiny, light green and it works almost
every time. You got it Imodium. I
challenge the nimblest to open this
packaging without the aid of scis-
sors, knife, teeth whatever it takes.
You purchased this to plug you up
not psych you out. I won this one as
no one had a solution and in fact,
agreed with me. I was victorious
once again. When it was my turn
again, I shared one of my biggest
bitches. I hate it when I gain 10
pounds for a role and then remem-
ber I'm not an actress.

14