Page 383 - The Truth Landscape Format 2020 with next section introductions-compressed

It follows that a sanctuary should be there for both of you. There will be times when both need the safety and refuge. If however, you find that one
partner is constantly using the relationship as a sanctuary provided by the other, then this is not a sanctuary, it is the most draining sort of one-sided
co-dependency. This doesn’t necessarily require partners to be problem solvers or fixers. In many cases, we don’t want solutions, we just want a
sympathetic ear, but there has to be a balance struck between providing a sanctuary and being able to access it yourself. Only you will know if the
balance is right within your relationship.

If you can’t find sanctuary in your relationship, you will look for it somewhere else. You cannot deny your basic human need to feel genuinely
soothed and sheltered to ease your pain. If you cannot turn to your partner, you will look for other substitutes in the form of love, food, drugs, or
alcohol, addictive sex, incessant work, excessive spending, anything in fact that distracts you from resolving the issues at home.

Sometimes it seems less complicated to spend money, go out with friends or look for the solution in the bottom of a glass, than to turn to
your partner and say "I'm hurting or something’s missing with us" Sometimes it seems much less confrontational to work excessive hours or
take action that compromises your dignity, than to say "I'm frightened that our finances are so bad right now, and I need to know you're still
proud of me, and love me anyway." These are the precious moments of growth that will truly test your partner and the relationship. Faced together, they
can either nourish you or reveal to you that you may have to consider the long-term prospects of a relationship where you are the only one growing.
Precious moments aren't always easy but they will always reveal the truth.

Will it last?

More often than not, the feelings of passionate love lose their strength over time.
The chemicals responsible, (adrenaline, dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, etc.) dwindle. Suddenly your lover has faults. Why has he or she
changed, you may wonder. Actually your partner probably hasn't changed at all, it's just that you're now able to see him or her rationally, rather than through
the blinding hormones of infatuation and rose coloured spectacles of passionate love. At this stage, the relationship is either strong enough to endure, or the
relationship fades.

If the relationship can advance, then other chemicals kick in. Endorphins, for example, are still providing a sense of well-being and security. Additionally,
oxytocin is still released when you're physically close and vasopressin continues to play a role in attachment.

The Definition of "True Love"

When asked to define what true love is, even the experts have to pause and think. Perhaps it's because true love has different meanings for different people.
True love can be defined as caring about the health, well-being and happiness of another person. True love is when you carefully consider your words,
thoughts and actions, and specifically how they will benefit that other person. Page383