Page 234 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland
P. 234

Reason To Sing


          He would like that. Having an “in” right here in Music City.
              “I’ve missed you, Kelita.” He stares directly into my eyes,
          unblinking.
              Oh God, here it comes. What am I supposed to say?
              I stammer helplessly. “Yes, me too. I mean, not me, I haven’t
          missed me, but…oh you know what I mean.” We both have a
          little laugh.
              “Yes, yes I do.” Hudson takes the beer out of my hand and
          puts it on the coffee table. He turns his body towards me and
          leans in. It’s confusing. Unsettling. I feel panicky. My armpits
          are damp. I hate this feeling. But I realize in this moment that
          even though I am putting it all on the line, I have to know if
          there is any possible hope for this marriage. Oh God, is that so
          wrong? But, I need to know.
              Hudson leans in even closer and takes my hands in his.
          I’d forgotten how big his hands are. It’s all so familiar. I’m not
          diving into his arms but my body is heating up way too fast. It’s
          not that I can’t wait to jump into bed with him. It’s just that I
          suddenly realize I need to let this play out. Once. And. For. All.
              He stands up and pulls me from the couch. I automatically
          do as I am directed. My mind is racing a million miles a minute.
          What about Gord? What about him? Oh crap, I don’t know. I
          just can’t go there right now. I can’t.
              As if I’m a little child, Hudson leads me down the short
          hallway. I stare down at my feet. I feel tiny. Not at all like a
          grown woman. What if I do still love Hudson? What if we
          really are still supposed to be together.
              Maybe I’ve blown this whole thing? What is wrong with
          me? Maybe I made a huge mistake. Maybe, maybe, maybe?
          This can’t be wrong because maybe it will be the answer, I’ve
          been waiting for all these weeks. This has to be it!
              Old habits die hard. We both undress, but not each other.


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