Page 235 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Chapter Thirty-Nine

The foreplay is swift and as always, Hudson is satisfied in no
time. And me? Well, what about me? It’s never really ever been
about me. Even when he tries, it feels forced. Never natural,
gentle or loving. We don’t talk after the sex, but then we never
really did. Besides, I have nothing to say. I really don’t.
I sleep fitfully, only to awaken to Hudson lying next to me.
My body immediately stiffens as he stirs. Lying beside him,
I almost feel a repulsion. I feel trapped. Now I know with
complete certainty that this is NOT meant to be. But what
can I do? I am caged by my own fear, again. It’s like Hudson
is able to cast a spell over me and I am immobilized. His wish,
my command.
I regretfully accommodate, allowing my body to go through
the motions. What’s left here is nothing but worn-out wishful
thinking and an obligatory mandate from days gone by. There
is no spark in his kiss. No passion in our touch. No heartfelt
connection. I think he must feel it too. How can he not? We
are just a couple of robots going through the motions. The very
same motions we have endured for years. Except now we are
enduring them as if we are strangers.
As the morning sun blazes even more brilliantly, I feel
myself surrounded by darkness. A light switch has gone off.
Inside of me. That elusive light that always belonged to Hudson
no longer shines. The candle has been snuffed out once and for
all.
But as the switch with Hudson finally turns off, another
even brighter one is illuminated. I am awakened. I am becoming
someone new. Someone beaming and radiant. Someone who
can shine on her own. Someone who will shine on her own. I
know now that I could never blaze fully with Hudson. Never.
Ever.
I’ve changed. I really have.

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