Page 318 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Reason To Sing

reason but now that I’m hearing myself say it, it all sounds
pretty pathetic.”
This is hard for me to hear but at least he is finally being
honest. He’s saying things that he could never bring himself to
say to me. I guess it was just easier to lie - until it wasn’t.
This hurts. Mostly because I can’t help but wonder how
I contributed to all of this. Why didn’t he feel comfortable
enough to be able to tell me when he was feeling that pressure?
I thought we were best friends. A team. Partners.
Hearing his confession truly is heartbreaking. Was I too
wrapped up in getting pregnant and wanting to be the perfect
wife? How could I have not seen through his insecurities and
his fears? I am beginning to understand how our inability to
communicate honestly became a landslide that tried to wipe us
out. We didn’t have a standing chance.
The intense session ends but as I sit in silence on the way
home I am already anticipating the next one in a week’s time.
There is a sense of readiness building within me.
Our dinnertime with Keldon is quiet and afterwards, I am
more than ready to let go, just a little. As Gord reads our son
a bedtime story, I run a bath and slowly slide my weary body
into the tub. I can always find comfort in a pool of hot water.
But it’s really my mind that needs relaxing. I’m happy that
Gord is back home but I’m also realistic. There’s no guarantee
we’re going to make it. When I dwell on this indisputable fact,
waves of anxiety crash all around me. The pressure in my head
is pulsating. I know now that living in survival mode these past
two years has been far more debilitating than I realized. My
whole being is a bundle of nerves.
Gord gently taps on the door. My response is timid. “Come
in.”
I pull myself up to a seated position, bringing my knees to

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