Page 319 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Chapter Forty-Nine

my breasts so that I can lean over my naked body, protecting
myself. He sits down on the floor beside me. The air is full of
unspoken weight. Even without words, so much is being said.
I instinctively place my hands over my face. That
unmistakable prelude to tears is gnawing at the back of my
throat. Is it wrong to feel sorry for myself? Wrong to feel
deprived of all the joy I should have experienced with my
husband during these first years of being a new couple and new
parents? Wrong to feel absolutely all alone and cheated out of
so much, while being cheated on?
The more my heart digests all this pain, the more weight I
feel pulling hard at my chest. And then the tears arrive. Weeks
and weeks of stockpiled grief pours out from the pit of my gut,
with my cries of agony adding an excruciating soundtrack. It’s
like giving birth. All control is lost as my body responds with
a release I haven’t to this point allowed. At least not in front
of him.
Together we sit in the bathroom. In the muck. Me in the
shame. He in the guilt. Both in the betrayal and deception.
Both in the fear of what comes next.
I continue to purge with heaving sobs. Gord just sits,
unmoving and quiet. I have not let him see this ugly side of
my pain. He has only seen the patient wife waiting for her
husband to come home. Always strong. Never showing any
sign of weakness. I have been the consummate actress for my
own safety. For my own preservation. But I can act no more.
Apart from my wails, the room is devoid of sound. My mind
is racing through an intense obstacle course at warp speed, and
I feel like Gord is right there with me. Like we are engaged in
some unspoken dialogue that we both comprehend.
He leans in over the tub and whispers, “Come here.”
I allow him to wrap both his arms around my wet body. He

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