Page 320 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Reason To Sing

just holds me as I continue to cry. I know that I must come up
for air. I must find the will to just speak my truth.
“I … I love you so much Gord. I … I … I never stopped
loving you. Even through all the – through all the crappy shit.”
I slowly break the hug but remain close. I look up into his eyes.
“God just continues to give me more and more love for you.
If not for Him, we would have been done a long time ago. It’s
really all because of His love.”
He responds gently, “I know. I know that.”
And I believe him.
I climb out of the bath; Gord wraps a big white towel
around me and sweetly kisses my forehead. I am chilled to
my core and waste no time falling into bed. I am completely
exhausted. My head feels thick like when you come out of
anesthesia. But I know the release has been cleansing. There’s
something so healing about crying, allowing the body to purge
all the tension and pain. Thank you, God, I so needed that.
Just as I am about to doze off, I feel Gord climb into bed.
I welcome his warm body wrapping around mine. I am taken
back to the first night we slept in the same bed. I know this
love. It feels so good and I feel safe.
Each week we continue our counseling sessions as we
work at reestablishing daily life in our household. I can’t say
it isn’t difficult because it is. Our fragile physical relationship
is fraught with uncertainty and mind games. I constantly fight
the temptation to imagine the two of them together. Honestly,
it is impossible. I do my utmost to be present, but I soon come
to understand that this aspect of our relationship isn’t just
going to change overnight. I can’t help what I can’t help.
The mind is a powerful vessel. I keep praying that these
horrifying mental images will diminish over time. I have
promised myself that, except in our therapy sessions, I will

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