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Rabbi Chayim Friedlander 2 רדנלדירפ םייח ברה
A Peaceful Home ךלהא םולש יכ תעדיו סרטנוק
Chapter 1 - Lesson 3 ה רמאמ - פֶּא ֶר ר ִר ִׁ

was a single young man in yeshiva who essentially lived all of his די ֶמ ָתּ אלֹ ,ל ֶָ ָמ ְל .ה ָשּׁ ֶא ָה ל ִֶ ה ָמי ֶמ ְתּ ַה ה ָנוּמ ֱא ָבּ ב ֵשּׁ ַח ְת ֶה ְל שֵׁי
life for himself, and these organizational things that his wife cares
about are not very important to him. This new husband himself ל ִא ךְ ֵלּה ּני ֵא ְו ,ר ָח ֻא ְמ ם ָר הּ ָל ְע ַבּ ִֶ פי ֶב ָה ְל ה ָשּׁ ֶא ָה ת ִל ִגּ ֻס ְמ
must now adapt to his new reality. Please understand clearly that הּ ָני ֵא ּא .ה ָלְי ַלּ ַבּ ר ָח ֻא ְמ ד ַע ד ַמ ָלּ ִֶ פ ָוי ֵכּ ,ּלּ ִֶ ַעוּב ָקּ ַה פָי ְנ ֶמּ ַה
adjusting to this new reality is a prerequisite and a foundation of
building his marital relationship. ,י ֶל ְכֹ ֶש לוּקּ ֶֶ ַחֹכּ ֶמ םי ֶר ָדּ ְצ ֻמ י ַלוּא ִֶ םי ֶמּדּ םי ֶב ָצּ ַמ ה ָני ֶב ְמ
.ב ֵלּ ַה ל ַע םי ֶל ְבּ ַר ְת ֶמ ם ָני ֵא ל ָב ֲא
If his wife were to ask him what he thinks about the furniture
arrangement of the house - should the buffet table be placed
against the south wall or the west wall – he should not tell her “It 
doesn’t make a difference to me, do whatever you want,” because
in so doing he is insulting her. These things are important to her
sense of beauty, but even more important to her is that their house .ה רמאמ
should be arranged to his liking, yet he finds these things are totally
unimportant. She places a vase in some corner of the room, or "וֹפוּגּ ִמ ר ֵתוֹי הּ ָד ְבּ ַכ ְמ"
hangs a picture and he does not notice it at all. If that is so, his wife
becomes frustrated and disappointed. A wife likes to dress in good
taste, something rooted in her sense of beauty. She does this for the ה ָשּׁ ֶא ָה ל ִֶ הּ ָתוּיּ ֶֶ ְג ֶר ְבּ ב ֵשּׁ ַח ְת ֶה ְל ה ָבּח ַה ל ַע וּד ְמּ ֶל ל"ַזרַ
sake of pleasing her husband so that she will be appealing to him.
Thus she is looking for a comment of approval from her husband ּתּ ְֶ ֶא ת ִא ב ֵהּא ָה ,פ ָנ ָבּ ַר וּנ ָתּ" :]ב"ע ףּס ב"ס תּמ ָבְי[ א ָתְּי ַר ָבּ ַבּ
when she wears a new outfit.
ָתּ ְע ַדָי ְו" ר ֵמּא בוּת ָכּ ַה וי ָל ָע ...ּפוּגּ ֶמ ר ֵתּי הּ ָד ְבּ ַכ ְמ ַה ְו ,ּפוּג ְכּ
Dear Chatan, do not be afraid, the job of a young husband is not א ָתוּלי ֶז ְדּ - ּפוּגּ ֶמ ר ֵתּי" :י" ֶֶ ַר ֶ ֵר ֵפוּ ."ךָ ִל ֳה ָא םּל ֶָ י ֶכּ
so hard. With a good attitude and paying a little attention you can
acquire understanding of these things and know what to say and ר ִֶ ֲא ֵמ ר ֵתּי ה ָעי ֶג ְׁ ה ָשּׁ ֶא ָה ,רֹמא ֵל ."א ָר ְב ַג ְדּ ֶמ ה ִֶ ָר א ָת ְתּ ֶא ְדּ
how to answer your wife in a way that will please her. All of this .ר ִב ִגּ ַה
is included in the work of doing Chessed to your wife. Earlier in
this essay we referenced the words of Rashi on the pasuk (Shemot :ל ֵלּ ֶה י ֵר ְב ֶד ְכּ אי ֶה וּנ ֵר ֵב ֲח י ֵׁ ַל ְכּ וּנ ֵתוּג ֲה ַנ ְת ֶה ל ִֶ ה ָדּ ֶמּ ַה תַמַּא
22:24) “…‘the poor among you,’ see yourself as though you were
that poor man,” meaning, that it is possible to do perfect Chessed, וא ָל ל ַל ְכּ ֶמוּ .]א"ע א"ל ת ָבּ ֶַ[ "די ֶב ֲע ַת אלֹ ךְ ָר ְב ַח ְל י ֵנ ָס ךְ ָל ָע ְדּ"
but only if you first put yourself in the same situation and feelings ם ַגּ ִֶ ַחי ֶנּ ַה ְל ל ַכוּא ,י ֶבּ ַע ֵגּׁ הָי ָה אלֹּ ִשּׁ ה ַמ - פ ֵה ַע ֵמֶּ ה ָתּ ַא
of someone else. A wife has satisfaction from her work in the
kitchen – cooking, baking, preparing meals and setting the table - פ ָוי ֵכּ ,ה ָשּׁ ֶא ָה י ֵׁ ַל ְכּ ס ֵפּתּ ּני ֵא ה ִז ל ָל ְכּ ם ָלוּא .ע ַגּ ְפֶי אלֹ י ֶר ֵב ֲח ַבּ
but the most satisfying pleasure for her is to hear recognition from ר ֵתּי הּ ָד ְבּ ַכ ְמ" :וּנ ָתּ ֶא ֵמ ל" ַז ֲח וֶּ ְר ָדּ פ ֵכ ָל .ר ֵתּי ה ֶָי ֶג ְר אי ֶה ִֶ
her husband and appreciation for all the work she did, and if not
she asks herself “Who am I doing all of this work for, and why am ם ֶע ר ֵבּ ַד ְל לי ֶג ָר ה ָתּ ַא ִֶ י ֶפ ְכּ ךָ ְתּ ְֶ ֶא ם ֶע ר ֵבּ ַד ְל פי ֵא ."ּפוּגּ ֶמ
I doing all this work?!” The Gaon Rabbi Yisrael Salanter ZT”L :א ָתְי ָרּא ְדּ א ָח ְתי ֶר ְבּ ּל ר ֵמּא ה ָתּ ַא ִֶ פּג ְכּ ,ךָ ְלּ ִֶ א ָתוּר ְב ַח ַה

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