Page 65 - Kindness - No Forward

Match Your Tone to Your Meaning

Most of us are unaware of how our tone sounds to other people. We have
heard ourselves so often, and since we know what we are thinking, we
forget that our listeners are getting a lot of our message…and our
meaning…from the tone of our voice.

I recently had a seminar participant tell me about a particular problem she
was having.

“I will sometimes be talking to a co-worker or a friend, and out of the blue
they’ll ask if I’m angry about something” she began. She then went on to
explain that this frequently happened when she wasn’t feeling angry in the
least.

Obviously, her attitudes and her signals were sending some pretty strong
messages that overwhelmed her words!

One of the things I suggested was the she record herself on the phone, or
in a meeting, or during a conversation.

Most people are amazed when they hear their voices---it is so different than
what they expected.

In his book, Developing Skills in Contact Counseling, Dr. Len Sperry
connects these tones with these feelings:

• Monotone voice communicates boredom
• Slow speed and low pitch communicate depression
• High voice and emphatic pitch communicate enthusiasm
• Ascending tone communicates astonishment
• Abrupt speech communicates defensiveness
• Terse speed and loud tone communicate anger
• High pitch and drawn-out speech communicate disbelief

Defensive, angry, impatient, bored; these are signals we could send with
our tone every time we speak. It’s worth zeroing in on our tone to set the
message straight.