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PIE IN THE SKY - -
Accepting the challenge implicitly thrown at them by U.S.S.R. and U.S.A.
successes in the Space Race, astrophysicists of the W.H.I.S. Aeionautics and
Space Research Organisation from their Headquarters in Room 1 have become
increasingly concerned that the conquest of outer space by these rival powers is
giving them the traditional military advantage of “high ground” for any
aggressive policies they may be fermenting against Wynnum Cadet forces.
Professor Yonwin, Chief of the W.H.I.S.A.S.R.O. (Strategic Division),
recently completed investigations on the reasons for the failure of last year’s ill-
fated Phutt-nik; and has exhorted all loyal WHIS-covites to an urgent programme
to launch his resultant Phutt-nik II into a SQUARE orbit around the earth.
The exciting concept of a WHIStronaut whirling in a square locus around
a spherical globe poses the absorbing navigational problem, how will he know
when he comes to the corners? This, says Professor Yonwm, calls for a temold
intensification of educational and technological effort in the WHIS programme.
Simultaneously with the brilliant work of Professor Yonwin, Dr. V.
Klaikailietis, Chief of the T.S.F.P.T.T.B. (Tuck Shop Food Products Tasting
and Testing Bureau), has published a White Paper setting out his findings on
Comparative Effects of Differential Dietary Practices as Educational St.muli.
Providentially, the genial Dr. K. thus supplies the Professor with the vital
know-how of educational reform and ultimately with the solution of his astro-
navigational problem.
Basing his research on Napoleon’s dictum that an army marches around on
its stomach, Dr. K. postulated the hypothesis that a scholar’s intellectual potential
is dynamically coupled with the infusion of nutrient molecules into his duodenum.
He tested random samples in the following classifications :—
(a) 296 sandwich eaters,
(b) 39 hot-dog devourers,
(c) 416 hot-pie partakers.
Conclusions were as follows :—
1. Continued sandwich intake has debilitating effects. Most subjects
developed unpleasant symptoms characterised by long hair (plaited, tat
tered, matted, or hatted), long fingernails, soft flabby bodies, shrill voices,
knock-knees, and wan complexions. They favoured less robust games
exemplified by vigoro, skipping, hop-scotch and drop-the-hankie. Muscle
expansion measured on the Biceptometer revealed an average biceps
expansion of .003 centimetres. The Cerebellograph measured brains as
smaller and fewer by 63.05 per cent. To these unfortunate subjects was
applied the generic classification, Feeble Male (abbr. Female).
2. Results were even less encouraging with the hot-dog eaters. Unfortunately
no Biceptometer or Cerebellograph statistics are available owing to the
extreme difficulty of locating any evidence of either brain or brawn. A
large percentage registered symptoms of such advanced atrophy of
physique as to necessitate transport to and from school in cars of a
range of vintage comparable with the whole gamut of automotive evolu
tion. Further evidence of nutritional deficiency was demonstrated by
chronic diminution of cranial hair, by optical myopia necessitating
maximum vigilance by pedestrians in their path, by vocalised irritability
during school sessions, and by their frenzied recourse to frequent stimulants
like tea, tobacco, and/or Aspros in their Staff Rooms.
3. The hot-pie eaters revealed heartening evidence of optimum physical and
mental development. This group produced 96% of cadets, and 100% of
footballers, cross-country runners, scholars and athletes. Both the Bicepto
meter and the Cerebellograph lacked sufficient positive calibration to
measure the full extent of muscular and intellectual capacities. This was
attributed in the main to the enlightened policy of school authorities in
abandoning former allegiance to the Round-Pie Bloc and switching to the
revolutionary Square Pie, thus ensuring an all round square meal at each
Practical application of Dr. K’s. findings to Professor Y’s. problem in
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TAUBMANS PAINTS IN SPECTROCOLOUR
GIVES YEARS OF PROTECTION