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Tennis tournament

I was invited to participate in a weekend house party cum the rest of the table pounced ineffectually with the heir-
tennis tournament. loom linen napkins.

Well, that's pretty hilarious for a start, seeing as my speci- But to return to the sports.
ality at tennis tournaments is hitting innocent bystanders
or slamming hefty forehands straight into the car park. So here I am, three matches down and every one of them
lost pretty disastrously, and the scores are looking frankly
Anyway, itwas one ofthose rather social affairs, the empha- embarrassing, when we decide to play a "friendly" match,
sis being on the nice people with nice houses in the country there being nothing else to do for the next hour and a
and lots of nice butlers serving good plain food and some- half and my partner chafing at the bit and me thinking
what rather more complicated wines and everyone having I might lose my "come-on-Tirn" killer instinct if I sat
a jolly time. Except for those of us endeavouring to avoid around for another hour and a half without hitting a ball.
the booby prize in order not to excessively embarrass our So, our "friendly" match is with a couple who had been
designated tennis partners. I get increasingly apologetic going pretty strong until then, well on their way into the
when I start losing. And once semi-finals and still speaking to
I start losing, it is downhill each other ... but we beat them
all the way. I'm not even sure 6-0 and she went completely
what I was doing there in the ballistic! Total hysteria. Jump-
first place. rm not even par- ing up and down and insulting
ticularly nice. him with the most extraordi-
narily florid similes that I could
Things got a little tricky al- not even begin to translate.
ready the night before we Medication clearly not up to re-
had even started exhibiting quired levels. Maintained that if
our skills, or lack of, on the he was to position himself per-
courts. One of the guests, manently at the net he should
demonstrating a killer fore- at least know what he was there
hand shot, took an inad- for. And if, on the contrary, he
vertent swipe at a full bottle was covering the back line, he
of a rather good red wine might consider moving around

which was sitting minding from time to time. And that his
its own business on a table service was a gift to anyone not
full of aperitifs. Wine, need afflicted with a combination of
I add, from mine host's own muscular dystrophy and Par-
vineyards. It projected itself kinsons disease. And that per-
all over my prospective ten- haps he might consider, if she
nis partner's lovely white could be so bold as to make a
trousers. Wife of said guest, suggestion, taking up Scrabble
clearly used to such emer- instead.
gencies, promptly hooked
an entire bottle of Prosecco A perfect gentleman, he ig-
and threw it over the bleed- nored every word, remained
ing stain running down silent each time she hit the ball
both trouser legs. Appar- into the net and smiled benign-
entlywhite wine with bubbles does wonders for red wine ly throughout six lost games. Just to add insult to injury,
stains. Did sod all for the trousers, as can be imagined. they had lost to us, the tournament losers.
Said guest followed this up by spilling a second bottle
halfway through dinner with a tricky little backhand "Next time," I said to him sympatheticallywhen they came

chop, an absolute winner in any other circumstances. off the court at the end of their ignominious defeat, "you
My reflexes were on high alert by then, so I managed a should just remove your hearing aidin a situationlike that."
nifty sideways leap into my other neighbour's lap, whilst But he didnt reply. I guess he was way ahead of me. *

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