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Needing Security From Others

We look to others for security. We might seek security from our parents, spouses, siblings,
children, employers, friends, ministers, spiritual teachers or others. We do feel love toward them,
but often that love is based on the fact that they offer us a sense of security. If they start
behaving in ways that obstruct our feelings of security or if they decide to leave or ignore us, will
we still love them?

If our parents throw us out, will we still love them? Or is our love too tightly linked with the need
for security? If, as parents we dream that our children will become wealthy and popular, will we
love them the same if they become beggars or anarchists? Some parents will, others will not.

In each instance where we feel our heart closing, we need to discover what we fear. Most
frequently we lose our love when we fear that our security, self-worth, freedom or pleasure are in
danger. Only when we know that we can live without others can we really love them steadily.

Society is responsible for much confusion in this area. We believe that if we love others, then we
must be totally dependent on them and should fear that our world would fall apart if something
happens to them. This isn’t love, it’s insecurity. This is a lack of awareness of our inner strength
and our ability to deal with life. It has nothing to do with love.

Needing Others for Pleasure

Our need for pleasure and affirmation can distort our experience of love. We create
relationships that give us pleasure and affirmation as well as security. We may be dependent
upon the other for money, shelter, sex, travel, clothing, encouragement, compliments, humour,
tasty food, a clean house, comforts, or even his or her beauty.

Yet, if he or she stops providing these for us, or decides to provide them for someone else, do we
carry on loving that person or do we feel hurt, disillusioned, and overcome with feelings of
injustice, anger and resentment? If the relationship revolves around the condition that "I will love
you as long as you provide my pleasure, happiness or excitement. If you stop, my feelings will
change,” this is not true love, it is conditional love.

Needing Others for Affirmation

We feel affirmed when others obey us. "You must listen to me and do what I say. I can control
you. That makes me feel powerful and worthy. If, however, you stop doing whatever I say, I will
stop feeling love for you."

This is a common problem for parents when their children start to grow up. This can also occur
between spouses. A spouse might be suppressed at first, and the partner feels powerful and
affirmed. If, however, the spouse begins to think and act independently, the partner begins to
panic, becomes fearful and sometimes aggressive.

We also feel a sense of affirmation when someone needs us or is dependent on us. This can
occur between spouses, parent and child, teacher and student, friends, or between the "care-
taker" and the "needy victim." In these cases, the "needed" feels affirmed by and perhaps
superior to the "needy". This is one aspect of co-dependency. Some of us find meaning in life
because someone needs us or depends on us. If however, the other doesn't want to be the
child, the student or the needy one anymore, do we feel the same attraction and love? If not,
our love is mixed with our need to be "needed", connected to the need for approval.