Page 255 - C:\Users\STEVEB~1\AppData\Local\Temp\msoF8C5.tmp

Ϯϱϱ

3$57 - /(&785( - 7+( 32:(5 2) /29(

This commonly creates ’needy behaviour’ with excessive demands and manipulative tactics to
ensure their needs are met. This will often result in the target of the need feeling drained by the
other and losing respect for their lack of independence in character. This is one of the potential
causes of relationship breakdown. The needy person displays ‘over-clingy’ tendencies that drain
the recipient until finally, the latter feels they can no longer meet the excessive needs being
continually placed upon them and the decision is reached that enough is more than enough.

Relationships of every kind are best preserved by minimal needy behaviour. As humans, we all
experience periods of vulnerability and even low self esteem, but to ensure the survival of those
we have relationships with, we must control the needy element we project upon the other
person. Apart from anything else, persistent needy behaviour is extremely unattractive.

Not restricted to loving relationships, needy behaviour works against the person expressing it. In
sales for example, potential buyers will naturally resist needy tactics as desperate, which again is
unattractive in any circumstances.

A want is something that a person desires, either immediately or in the future. Unlike needs,
wants are those that differ from one person to another. For example, one person may want to
own a car, while another may want to travel to an exotic country. Each person has his or her
own list of wants, each with a varying level of importance. Wants are desires that are optional,
meaning that you will still be able to go on living, even if the want is not met.

Think of the relationships in your life. Have you experienced needy / clingy behaviour from
others? Have you ever found yourself feeling excessively needy? How did it make you feel
about yourself and your self worth?

Love Is NOT Security

Love wants to give. Need wants to take. Sometimes what we are seeking to take is very subtle.

Whenever we feel pain, fear or anger in our relationships, it is because we believe that our
needs are in "danger" of not being satisfied. When this happens, our "love" turns to hurt,
disappointment, fear, resentment, loneliness, inferiority, or bitterness, and sometimes, anger,
hate, rage and desire for revenge.

How can love become all these negative feelings? It cannot. The truth is that our emotion never
was pure love to begin with. It was an "attraction" based to some degree also on need.

This does not mean that we should reject ourselves because we have seldom really loved
purely. It would be like rejecting ourselves because we are a flower bud, which has not yet
blossomed. It is only natural that we cannot yet love unconditionally. This is our stage of
evolution.

Freedom from Need

The first step towards opening our hearts to real love is to accept and love ourselves exactly as
we are with all our weaknesses and faults. Only then can we proceed effectively.

The second step is to begin observing the feelings that are stimulated. Through self-observation,
we can determine in which situations we love unconditionally and in which we are feeling
"loving" with specific conditions.