Page 351 - Under the Cover of Darkness

boob in each hand and sort of weighing them up against
each other as if comparing a couple of melons in a
supermarket with a puzzled look on his face and a fag
hanging out of his mouth. I remember wondering if he
was really fully qualified

28 February 2015 —
Constant live entertainment on the hospital ward! The end
of the ward I was on had a permanently closed fire door
no one was supposed to access. There was another ward
on the other side of it and for the entire 30 hours I was
in there, a 4 foot highly confused, freakishly strong,
elderly woman in Santa style pyjamas relentlessly tried to
break through the doors "to get to the other wing of her
house" It wouldn’t have been so bad but every time she
made it thru the door the world’s loudest fire alarm went
off. Usually she was fairly quickly followed by a nurse, a
few times she made it as far as some poor blokes bed 2
wards down and at one point a whole line of various
staff patients and visitors came running behind her at
which point I started singing the theme tune to Benny
Hill and asked a porter if he wanted to brandish a sink
plunger for comic effect. He didn’t.

2 March 2015 —
Got the wound drain OUT! YAY! Thank absolute F*** for
that! about 2 meters of plastic tubing hanging out the
side of me chest and a pump and a great big measuring
bag all carried permanently round with me in a big canvas
shoulder bag. Felt like a cyborg. I thought the tube might
be about an inch into my body - there’s was bloody yards
of the stuff coming out. The nurse was pulling plastic