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people you interact with to act just THE WAY to activate
your deepest pain.
lationships. The core issue may be invisible to you, but In other words, you are making sure that the thing that
deeply affects how you connect to your family partner and hurts you the most happens in every relationship, and per-
other potential partners. Once you can see and work with haps even in every interaction, you have. You do it uncon-
your core issue your relationship results will permanently sciously and automatically. We all do it. It is the nature of
shift for the better. You will gain the capacity to get more human beings to try to control danger and pain. Your core
of what you want in relationships. issue, THAT THING others could do to you feels dangerous
because it can be so devastating. You bring it about inten-
You can start working on this right now. tionally to make sure you are in control of when and how
you feel that pain. Here are some of the ways you will push
First, let's understand the nature of a core issue. Your core others to treat you in a way that activates your core issue:
issue is the thing that comes up over and over in relation- Misreading what someone says or does.
ships that hurts deeply. It is exactly THE THING that you Perceiving someone is trying to hurt you when they are
dread other people will either do to you or deny you. It is
also the thing you dread others will think about you or the not.
way they will perceive you. It is your secret fear and what Thinking people are rejecting you when they are not.
you most want to avoid. Assuming people won't connect with you or won't be
Your core issue does not feel like it comes from you. Instead there for you, even when this is not true.
it feels like something that keeps happening to you. When Overreacting to people and pushing them away with-
it happens to you, it sends you reeling. It cuts you to your
very core and leaves you angry, resentful, or devastated. out realizing it.
Withdrawing and walling yourself up, so you are un-
It is difficult to try to understand that the thing you feel
other people are doing to you is actually your own issue. It available to connect with others.
is much easier to believe that what's happening to you You may be awkward and uncomfortable around others.
is somehow out of your control and the responsibility of Trying too hard to please or take care of others.
others. Not allowing others to help you, which otherwise
But here's what is actually happening: makes them feel useless or unimportant.
There are many more ways in which you may sabotage
While you are experiencing your relationship partner, or any
person do A PARTCULAR THING to you or say THAT THING relationships without realizing it.
to you that hurts the most, you are unaware that you are
actually pushing them to do so. You are influencing the But aren't you just being yourself when you do any
of these things? In a word: no.
Typically people act out the behaviors above because they
are trying to protect themselves from people doing THAT
thing to them, from hurting them in THAT way that acti-
vates old childhood wounds. In trying to protect yourself
from experiencing your core issue, you actually act in ways
that create it.
Here's an example: If your core issue is the feeling of not
being good enough, you will enter social situations feeling
awkward and not exactly as good as other people. You will
try too hard, or have trouble connecting with others. In
People do not buy goods and services. They buy relations, stories and magic.
14 PR COMMUNICATION AGE February 2016
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