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a superior way of being. When a person holds these values,
and these needs are not met, there can be a compounded
level of shame and distress, which is more complicated to
work through.
that a lot of these variations are due to our early relation- These can also get in the way of meeting the needs of your
ship experiences. partner or friends. Some examples of values or beliefs that
interfere with these are: "I don't need anyone", "I can al-
3. Additional relationship needs: ways rely on myself", "I don't want to burden others with
my problems", "crying or being angry doesn't solve any-
It is also important to note that these are usually not the thing", and "I only say 'i love you' infrequently because it
only needs people have in relationships; they are just the will mean more when I say it".
universal set. Since we all have variations in our family sys-
tems and experiences relating to others, almost everyone Generally, counseling (particularly for couples) can be very
has some individualized needs as well. helpful for people wanting to understand relationship
needs, and find healthy ways of meeting them in life. Core
For example, in addition to the basic set, some people have relationship needs refer to the needs in your relationship
different needs for amount of control in a relationship, or that are non-negotiable. It's important to be aware of what
have specific requests to feel balanced and comfortable in they are because they are 'deal-breakers'.
it. Some of these can ultimately be changed if the person
wants to work on it, especially if it is due to negative or What this means is if your partner or potential partner can't
traumatic experiences in an earlier part of life (abuse, ne- meet these core relationship needs, it's unlikely that your
glect, assault, infidelity from a previous partner, etc). relationship will survive in the long term. Here's a list of
our basic core needs in any relationship:
When Needs Are Not Met?
1. Emotional needs: Emotional needs include the need to
The results of these needs not being met are different de- feel loved, valued and a part of your partner's life. They
pending on the individual on where he or she is in life. If are about the need to be respected, special and ac-
these needs are not met when we are children, it can lead cepted by your partner with all your flaws. This is a
to long lasting problems relating to others. basic ingredient that needs to be a part of any success-
ful relationship.
As adults, not having these met adequately leads to feel-
ings of loneliness and sometimes can move into hopeless- 2. Physical needs: Physical needs include touching, caress-
ness or depression. Most adults can manage some periods ing, hugging and holding. They also include non-verbal
of time without these being adequately met, but it is im- communication that lets you know that you are being
portant for our overall health that they are attended to. loved and cared for. The need for a rewarding sexual
life is also important and to be considered under physi-
Unfortunately, many family cultures and role expectations cal needs.
in the United States dismiss the importance of these needs,
and instill values that not needing these things is somehow 3. Spiritual needs: This is about support and respect for
your spiritual values and beliefs. This includes the need
for a shared spiritual life. Even if you have different
spiritual beliefs, it's important that your partner re-
spects your spiritual beliefs, even when they may be
very different from theirs.
4. Social needs: These needs are about calls, notes, let-
“If you pray for only one thing, let it be for an idea.”
10 PR COMMUNICATION AGE February 2016
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