Page 12 - Megan Reichman

Worst Date Ever

By Nichol Kirkland

Dating was never a really big area of my life during high school had been closed (or more likely condemned) as there were only
and college. Being a quintessential nerd, I was more comfortable two cars in the parking lot and the windows of the building were
in lecture halls and cafe poetry readings, than sitting across from so grimy you could hardly even tell the lights were on in the dining
someone trying to explain my whole life story in the span of an room. When Todd pulled into the parking lot hesitantly I got out of
evening. I was in graduate school when I went on my first date. my car. I asked him if we had the right address, and he said that
My friends decided for me that it was time to start dating and we did. I then asked him when was the last time he had eaten at
talked me into making a profile on a popular internet dating site. the place. When he told me he had just been there last week, I
I was unenthusiastic but I played along. About two months into knew I was in for an interesting experience - to say the least. But
this little experiment I met a man that seemed interesting. We coming from California I know that the best Mexican food can be
talked online for about a week and decided to meet at a local found in small holes in the wall so I was willing to give the place
karaoke bar. the benefit of the doubt.
Before the date my friends warned me that the picture I realize now that I should have insisted that we head
on a profile never looked anything to the IHOP down the street. The cracked
like the real person so I shouldn’t linoleum floor was covered with dried food
be surprised if some aspects of and dirt, the tables were chipped and fall-
his appearance didn’t add up. So ing apart, and the vinyl booths had large
when I met Todd I wasn’t com- tears in the seats and a thick greasy film on
pletely astounded when he was them. When I pointed out the greasy film,
closer to 5’8 than 6’1 as it said in Todd assured me that it was actually the
his profile, or that his statement cleaning product they used to sanitize the
of athletic build was probably seats. Hesitantly I sat down and pried apart
something from his high school a sticky laminated menu. It was indeed
days and had long since went the soul food, and the staff was very friendly
way of the Dodo, or the fact that and seemed to know Todd by name. Just
his long hair was now a buzz cut. as I was starting to relax and decide what
12 It did however; make me wonder I wanted to eat I started to feel a tingle
if my picture was that misleading. down my spine, a tingle that turned into a
We sat at the bar and persistent itch. Trying to scratch my back
made small talk over the off key discreetly I squirmed slightly on my side
sounds of Shania Twain and Bon of the booth while I perused the menu, but
Jovi coming from the stage area. nothing helped so I excused myself to go
He asked me if I sang, and when to the restroom and see what was going
I told him that I couldn’t hold a on. As I lifted the back of my shirt that was
tune in a bucket he laughed as he now slightly damp from the slimy seats and
put his name in to sing. When looked in the mirror I saw that my entire
his name was called and the back was covered in large bright red hives!
music began my jaw dropped as Within fifteen minutes I had hives all over
he started singing an old Beasty my body.
Boys song and trying to break Mortified I walked back over to the ta-
dance at the same time, which ble. I had no idea what to say. I was in ut-
led to him running into the DJ and ter misery and I could feel the rash spread-
almost falling off the stage. When ing to my neck and knew it would be on my
people started laughing hysteri- face in moments. Embarrassed and a more
cally and asking me if I was with than a little irritated, I told Todd that I was
“that clown” my first inclination was to quietly get up and run for going to have to cut the evening short. From the horrific look on
the nearest exit. his face I knew that the rash must be showing. I thanked him for
When the song finally finished he came back to the bar the evening and quickly ran to my car to hit the all night pharmacy
red faced and breathing hard, his eyes sparkling as he asked for some calamine lotion. I never saw Todd after that fateful night,
me what I thought of his performance. He proclaimed loudly to but from the interesting song and dance he performed and the
the whole room that he was known for his mad skills as a break diner he thought was the best in town, it was pretty obvious that
dancer. All I could do was smile and nod slightly, trying not to we wouldn’t have hit it off. The rash lasted a full week, causing
laugh or cry as my mother’s voice played in my mind, “If you can’t me to wear long sleeved shirts and jeans to work every day in the
say something nice you shouldn’t say anything at all”. middle of summer.
After paying for our drinks we decided to get a bite to eat. Needless to say, my first date didn’t go very well. On the
At this point I would have said almost anything to get away from up side my friends felt so guilty when seeing me the following day
the snide stares and loud whispers. He told me that he knew of a with huge red splotches on my face, they never butted into my
great restaurant nearby that made the best soul food in town. He love life again. Since then I have met several nice men and have
gave me the address and we were on our way. When I pulled up had a few successes in the dating world. But I will always remem-
in front of the dilapidated building, at first I thought the restaurant ber the horror of that very first date.
September/October 2010