Page 32 - Dr. Nisha Bunke

He Said, She Said

Photos by Lisa K. Miller

We have all realized that obviously men and women don't always
see things exactly the same way. So, even though, we are a
Woman's Magazine, we only thought it fair that we allow men to
have a chance to share their opinions. Hence, He Said, She Said
was born. Should you have a topic that you would like us to
debate, email our editor at editor@sdwomanmagazine.com.
I can't wait to hear from you!

She Said... He Said...

What a Great Gift! A Gift? For Who?
Let me start off by saying, I personally don’t really care much about gifts. I am not all that Let me start out by saying that I know there are men out there who are truly clueless about gift
crazy over what I am given for Christmas, my Birthday, Anniversary or Valentine’s day. giving. And no matter what you say or do, (short of taking them to a place, showing them the
However, over the years I have sat through lunches, dinners and other events and have exact item you want, putting it in their hands and marching them up to the register) they will never
listened to many of my female friends and relatives talk about the horrors of receiving gifts get it right. Fair enough? But you need to understand that there are easily as many women who
from their husbands, boyfriends or significant others. Some of you reading this might come are just as clueless. Home Depot gift cards? Yes. Kohls? Nope. Okay?
away thinking, women are so superficial and they only think about the present and they only
want expensive gifts, but truly for most of us this isn’t the case. The complaints I have heard Now, that being said, I doubt there are a quantifiable number of women who don’t like gifts. I
are rarely that the diamond wasn’t big enough or the purse wasn’t a designer brand, they dealt have never met one in my 65 years so it seems anomalous. As to the issue of men not listening
more with the fact that the present was a symbol of a somewhat bigger problem. They felt or caring – nice try but no chocolate. We may seem not to listen but we hear you. Like your friend
that their significant other didn’t listen to them or, in some cases, wondered if they knew them who takes her husband to the mall three or four times in the weeks before Christmas and shows
at all. him seven items each time so he ‘will get it right,’ can you say overload? You have just told him
One of my friends always plans a few trips to the mall a couple of weeks before Christmas he is going to fail twenty-eight different ways because no matter which one he purchases it will
with her husband, at which point she will go to certain racks and pull clothing off, hold it up to not be the right one.
her and say, “Honey, isn’t this beautiful. I would love this sweater and it would look really good
with the black slacks I just bought and look they have it in a medium, which you know is my She’s saying that ‘after all these years why doesn’t he listen?’ Think about that for a minute. See,
size. Oh and if you buy it before next Friday it is 30% off.” She tells me he responds in the you’ve answered your own question. After all, it’s always the man’s fault he doesn’t get it right
32 most positive manner. Agrees it looks great with her eyes and that it would indeed look great and you have no idea why he can’t simply divine exactly what it is you really want. Give us a
with those new slacks and seems impressed with the available discount. She will do this with break. Everybody in the world today is busy. Both have jobs. Both are taking care of the kids
6 or 7 items on each of these trips and after 20 years of marriage she whines to me, “Not even (yes ladies, more men than ever are intensely involved with their children) and we all could use a
once has he ever surprised me with one of the items I pointed out to him. Does he not get it?” break. Oh, BTW, most of the men I know do at least half of the cooking and cleaning and laundry
I smile and say, “Okay Linda, after 20 years, why don’t you just say, ‘Bill this would be a nice and…
Christmas present if you are looking for something to buy me,’ She simply gives me the evil
eye and with a sigh of exasperation, says “That’s not the point. After all these years, can’t he Today women are the entrepreneurs, captains of industry, leaders in their fields of endeavor,
pay attention and surprise me by getting me what I ask. He has to know by now what I want!” strong and infinitely more qualified than their male counterparts, so why is this even an issue?
Another friend complained that for every event for 10 years of marriage her husband gave her Why do we play the age-old game of denigrating males about gifts and going to work the next
the same brand designer handbag. Which was a nice gift, by no means a cheap gift, but un- day managing thousands of people or starting amazing business? Time to give up this ghost.
fortunately she happened to have a very strong dislike for this particular designer’s handbags. If there is one gift in particular you want, TELL HIM: Even the men who are great gift givers will
After one anniversary she told me, “You would think after 7 years of never seeing me use one like this. We’re more pragmatic than we get credit for. It would be nice for that old romantic “his
of the bags, that he would get the hint.” I asked why she didn’t say something to him about it. gift was so thoughtful – I love it so much” to happen to all of you, but reality is – it’s not gonna
She said, he is so excited each year when he picks out these very expensive handbags, that happen unless you step up and communicate real time.
she couldn’t bear to hurt his feelings by telling him to stop already.
One of my closest friends admitted that her husband had great taste in clothes and she loved Most of my male friends are true romantics. They plot and plan and try to keep secret their
everything he got her. The only problem was that they had been together close to 25 years wonderful night they had planned, gift included. Only to be told, and I quote, “This was beautiful
and when he first started his practice of buying her a beautiful outfit for each special event but I would have been happy at home with pizza,” unquote. Set up the pins and knock em
down. This happens more than you think. Yup, he works full time, as do you, yet found the time
she had been a size 6. But after 4 kids and the ravages of menopause, she was now a size
12, so she always had to find out where the gift came from so she could run back to the store between that and soccer practice and dance lessons and dentist visits to try to give you a great
and buy it in the right size. However frustrating this was, the last thing she wanted to tell him night and you pull the carpet out at the first opportunity. Come on ladies, it’s a no win for us guys.
was that she took a bigger size, because as she said, “ If he didn’t notice it, who was she to So we listen, weigh which failure will cause the least animosity, and go there.
tell him?” The lady with the husband who buys designer bags she doesn’t like, whew, where is the problem
Many of my friends have not held back their frustrations with their husbands, and have found here? Tell him! Let him know gently that this is not the best gift – and why. He’ll get it. Because
ways to ensure that they get the gifts they want for holidays. Some buy the gifts themselves, the longer you accept these gifts without telling him, the longer he thinks he’s a good guy with a
or go with their significant other to make the purchase. Others will take photos of what they happy wife who loves his gifts.
want, and text it to their husbands with the store name, address, and price to be sure there is
no room for error. Look, men are simple creatures and they like their life to be that way too. Most of us enjoy giving
Why must women go to such extent to get the presents they want. Is it that men don’t pay gifts and seeing the smile on your face. We love our women, deeply, and truly want you to think
that close attention when women point out what they want, or is it that women aren’t we’re good guys and great husbands/partners. But Christmas is less than two months from
communicating correctly? Probably a little of both, but honestly we want to be surprised. Valentines Day, which is close to Easter and then comes your birthday and the anniversary we
Picking out our own gifts only stem from years of bad gifts. So, to all the men out there, pay met, and the first date and the date we asked you to marry us, and the birth of our children and
more attention. Listen to your partner about what they like and don’t like. I know it seems like on and on. We are constantly looking for the right gift for the occasion: Had a woman tell me
idle chatter sometimes, but if you actually listen, and don’t just “aha” us, you may learn a lot once, after giving her long stem red roses (this was before Lori) “I like Tulips.” And we have to
more about us, and we won’t have to go to such drastic lengths to be able to go into work the field a multitude of questions like – does this make my bottom look big, and, well, you get the
day after Christmas, or our birthday, and with happiness and pride on our face say “Look what picture. We are always on guard. Women don’t realize what we have to do and think about all
my wonderful husband bought me.” Oh and by the way, household appliances are not gifts for the time. We love you! Please get over these things that have haunted us since we crawled out
your wife or significant other. Usually a good rule of thumb is if all else fails, buy something of the primordial soup.
that sparkles.