Page 34 - Dr. Nisha Bunke

A Four-letter Word

By Judith A. Habert

I know how everyone feels about four letter words, but those I never actually viewed it as a bad word, or a word that would be
around me are generally even more appalled when one of those troublesome to others. It isn’t a rude word or one that attacks any
forbidden four letter words come out of my mouth. I actually can’t specific group of people, or offends anyone under normal
help it though. It doesn’t matter where I am. It could be at a circumstances. However, over the last 6 years, my utterance of
business lunch, at a work meeting, it has even happened at a this word has seemed to incite a heightened sense of tension and
funeral. Everyone is so annoyed by me when I use this four-letter frustration around me.
word, yet I can’t help it. It is my turn to speak out and explain and I believe I am not only
I wasn’t always this way. Matter of fact I can pinpoint the exact speaking for myself. I want to tell everyone why I continue to use
day it happened, when suddenly I started uttering this word. It was this word and why those around me may just have to learn to deal
November 26, 2010, over 6 years ago. That is when this four letter with it.
word entered my vocabulary and has been with me ever since. See, 6 years ago I went deaf in my left ear. It was immediately
replaced by an extremely loud case of tinnitus which has not
stopped for the last 6 years. Not one moment of quiet in my
head now for 6 years. So when you talk to me and I can’t hear
you I can’t help but utter that four letter word “What?” I get it, in
the beginning it was okay and people seemed to understand and
graciously repeated what they had said to me. Now after 6 years
of constantly asking those same people ‘What’ when I can’t hear
what they are telling or asking me, I get the rolling eyes, the never
minds and those that grudgingly repeat what they had asked.
More times than not they just say forget it and I feel as if I am no
longer important enough to merit the repeating of the words earlier
uttered to me.
I suddenly understand how it feels to grow older. How it feels to be
cast aside. How it feels to no longer be relevant. An inconvenience
is what you feel like you have become. This is how it feels to be
disabled. This is not a major disability in the great list of possible
disabilities, and yet it gives me a small glimpse into the reality of
those who struggle with disabilities. I can no longer sit in a
restaurant and hear what is being said by those I dine with, since
34 the background noise and/or music makes it that much harder to
hear what is being said by my guest. When a street vendor or
homeless person says something to me as I pass by, they
utter words of disgust asking me if I think I am better than they are
because I don’t respond to their pleas for help. How do I explain
that they were standing on the wrong side of me and I am deaf
in that ear? I don’t. So, they think I am unsympathetic to their
plight. When standing across from a colleague, client or friend at
a cocktail party or networking event and they tell a funny story, if
I fail to laugh, they get insulted. How do I tell them I wasn’t being
rude I just didn’t hear what they said? When I present a speech
or teach a group and someone calls out a question how do I stop
from appearing foolish as I swing my head from side to side unable
to tell the direction from which the voice has come, since having
only one ear that works does not allow you the ability to distinguish
from where the noise has come. What about when your husband
whispers words of love in your ear, do you say ‘"what?" or ask him
Those around me say I have changed. They are probably right. to repeat it because he said them into your bad ear, hardly adds to
To some degree there is nothing I can do about that. In other the romantic moment.
ways, I try to control it and pretend like it is pre November 26, So what am I getting at? Some four-letter words are necessary,
2010. Sometimes I accomplish it, but often I don’t. The hardest and tolerance on the part of those more fortunate who are healthy,
thing for me is the looks I get. The frustrated and aggravated looks and without disabilities, should be practiced. Those who are deaf,
I get when I utter that word. I don’t really understand the looks or even partially, have no way of letting those around them know their
the attitude. As if I am the one who did something wrong. Hell, condition. So before you lose your temper with the driver in front
I’ve heard others use worse four letter words - absent the looks. of you who isn’t responding quickly to your honking horn, or judge
There have been times I have controlled myself. I haven’t used the someone as uncaring because they didn’t respond to your plea for
four-letter word. I just kept my mouth shut and nodded my head in assistance, keep an open mind. It might not be that they are not
the affirmative. Pretended that there was no reason for me to utter listening to your needs; it just might be that they can’t hear you and
that four-letter word or any other word for that matter, but I always remember, "what?" is really not a bad word.
feared that this nod of acceptance would one day get me in trouble.
So, in the end I had to utter that word again.