Page 14 - HaMizrachi #8 Pesach

Marriage

Dr. Efrat Sobolofsky

“Splitting the Sea” THE HAGGADAH:

THREE DATING POINTS TO CONSIDER EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATIONS

es, of course it is lovely to meet And if one has a negative experience, question asked – which we try to
someone at a Shabbat meal or which unfortunately does happen, let’s discourage, as it assumes the person
Y through a mutual friend. And, not reject an entire system by saying, being asked has special prophetic talents.
yes, of course, we all wish we could “the suggestions I received were so Yet we all know of happily married
meet in a most natural and effortless off that I will never accept another couples, whom had they relied solely
fashion, but it doesn’t always happen suggestion made online,” or “there was upon the first ratings of others regarding
that way. Here are three points to bear no one for me at that event, so I’m done their compatibility, would never have
in mind for anyone involved in dating or with those.” met.
matchmaking, in any capacity:
2. A Broader Perspective A mother recently called for assistance.
1. Positive and Open-Minded She explained that she was contacted
While many consider it unthinkable to by a college friend about a young girl in
A few months ago, two young men ask about colored tablecloths, disposable her community who was suggested for
visited the YU Connect office. One was dishes or the like when considering the caller’s son. Her immediate response
already an online member, a frequent a dating partner, too often inquiries was, “I can’t see you being in-laws
event participant, and dating a lovely are made into matters that have little with her mother.” Valuing her friend’s
woman through the volunteerism of prognostication for a happy marriage. opinion, the calling mother immediately
an online connector. He had brought We often hear things like, “Where does dismissed the match without asking for
in his friend, who had expressed some her family spend their vacations?” any further details.
resistance in joining the program. “Why can’t you suggest someone a few
years older, a few months younger or Examples of other frequent discounting
As the friend continued to hesitate, he two inches taller?” Why that choice comments we hear are, “don’t bother,
turned to him and said: “If you were in of occupation?” or “I can’t see myself their personalities will never match,”
the market for a new job today, chances with someone from that community, or “they won’t be attracted to one
are you'd do everything in your power an alumnus of that post-high-school another.” I shudder each time I hear
to network with past colleagues, close program in Israel,” or other narrow these flippant remarks (or see them in
friends, casual acquaintances, etc. pronouncements. texts), wondering about the awesome
You would take advantage of all that responsibility we take by withholding
technology offers by connecting to Relationship-building experts refer match possibilities best assessed by a
professionals suspended in multiple to this as a focus on “form versus dating couple themselves.
degrees of separation from you and by substance;” i.e., people place more
chasing any possible lead that could weight on peripheral, circumstantial These scenarios serve as a humble
help you achieve success. Simply put, or even influential institutions, reminder of how careful we must be
you would stop at nothing to land the communities, or experiences rather with our words when asked for our
most suitable job. By contrast, can you than evaluating the individual’s unique impressions of others.
imagine applying for a job by saying, array of character traits, current Nevertheless, whenever I hear, “I
‘I won’t fill out an application, I’ll pass values, aspiring goals, dreams and never thought I would date or marry
on an interview, you really don’t know practices, many of which indeed come someone… younger, older, from that
anything about me, but please—offer me to life through the dating and marital family background or community… yet
a job.’” experience.
we have so much in common and are
While comparing the dating atmosphere 3. Be Wary in Dismissing Match Ideas so happy together,” my smile becomes
to a job-hunt may sound a bit crass, the almost as wide as theirs.
young man did raise some noteworthy It is common for a anyone who receives (The original, longer article first appeared on the
points. Yes, the dating years can be a a match suggestion to confer with a Marcos and Adina Katz YUTorah.org site.)
trying time but let us try to be positive mutual friend or acquaintance as to
and open-minded to the possibilities out whether the proposed match is a good Efrat Sobolofsky, LMSW, PhD, is Director
there and to maximize opportunities. idea. “Can you see it?” is the colloquial of YUConnects
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