Page 106 - Likutei Tipshim

קחשל שרדמה תיב
Dr. S. Freud wishing mazel and bracha to his student Dr Adler on his
breakthrough therapy for people suffering from deja vu. If you are having
repeated episodes of feeling like you’ve done this before, check out his
See Saw clinic, at the corner of Beenthere and Donethat Avenues.
With the eminent arrival of Moshiach and followed by techiyas ha-
masysim, the community is invited to the first TED Talk given by Yaa-
kov Aveinu. Find out which Rishon’s take on his life is really correct.
Pre sale of tickets will start after Pesach and open to anyone who does
shnayim mikra v’echad targum. For more info go to
www.therestofthestory.com
Fight for justice, equality and Tikun Olam:
Have you ever suffered from any of this prejudice and discrimination?
Are you a man identifying as a kid and the bus company is charging you
full fare?
Are you blind and being denied a drivers license by your state?
Do you identify as a chazan (even though you have no voice and can’t
carry a tune) and not allowed to daven for the amud on the yamim
noraim?
Dewey, Cheatem and Howe would like to take up your cause. For more
information contact us at thewholeworldisnutsbutme.com
Are you a noisy sleeper? Sleep apnea keeping you up? Come to Dr.
Constance Noring’s clinic and learn how to cope.
Are you out of town? Got 5, 15, 20 or 45 minutes? Good! Enjoy the
down time, chill and recharge your battery.
Hatzala Chicago sponsored this safety tip:
IN CASE OF FIRE - Please leave the building before posting it on
social media.
Community Alert: It has been discovered that some of the non-shatnez
labels that are being used on the east coast contain shatnez. Have your
labels checked at your earliest convenience
Are you one of the half a dozen people who aren’t doing daf hayomi? Is
the guilt starting to get to you? Join our "Daf Yomi Anonymous". We
offer a 12 step program designed to offer support & counseling for those
who are NOT doing "Daf Yomi,".
Email us at: 70facestotorah@Idon'tdotheDaf.com
Girls, have you just returned from seminary and are starting the shidduch
parsha? The house of Chanel has just developed the fragrance that is sure
to attract and keep the yeshiva bocher of your dreams. Eau d’Romanian.
Caution: Don’t use until you are sure he is the right one. Available at deli
counters near you.
Trying to get rich by playing the lottery? To put things in the right
perspective come hear divrei chizuk. Learn about appreciating the things
that are truly important from Rabbi Jack Pott.
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Thoughts to Ponder:
If you replace the W with a T in What, Where and When, you get the
answer to each of them.
If we are supposed to run from kavod, how can we show kovad to our
fellow Jew and not be over the sin of lifnai eevair?
Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy.
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Questions for Thought and Study
1. What is the punishment for someone who smokes marijuana on Shab-
bos?
2. With the end of the impeachment fiasco, I still don’t know what is
“quid pro quo”.
3. Why do we have a Haggadah at Pesach?
4. What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of
affliction?
5. What did socialists use before fire?
6. How many Hebrew months have 28 days.
Answers:
1. He gets stoned.
2. I don’t know, but I'd be willing to quietly give you a big bundle of
cash in exchange for your explaining it to me!
3. So we can Seder right words.
4. A matzochist.
5. Electricity
6. All of them
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Likutei Tipshim is not now and has never been associated with any fine institu-
tions of higher learning in the city of Chicago or its environs.
Ideas? Comments? Send email to likutei-tipshim@juno.com
The contents of this publication have been certified Torah free. May contain
some trace elements of gematria. Written in a facility where people eat peanuts.
Money back guarantee: If this issue fails to produce at least one chuckle and/or
one smile, return to point of purchase for a fool refund.
THIS PUBLICATION IS STILL NOT A RECIPIENT OF THE JEWISH
FEDERATION OF METROPOLITAN CHICAGO
Prepared by people with too much time on their hands. If you would like
to sponsor an addition of likutei-tipshim we also have a bridge in Brook-
lyn you might be interested in.
יל וק
םירופ
Humor Training College
Likutei Tipshim 2020 A member of the North Shore University Humor System
Volume Loud Number 34 MAKING TIPSHUS GREAT AGAIN
Disclaimer: We, at Lekutei Tipshim, wish to once again inform the public that we are in
no way affiliated, associated, or otherwise related to any institution or organization
currently publishing similar types of periodicals, weeklies, etc.
The Vaad l’mishmeras Shtus has done it again! The same Vaad that created
the bracha to make after a fulfilling experience shopping online: Birchas
HAmazon, has now created a bracha to recite before reading Likutei-
Tipshm. This is a real Bracha L’Batala!! “Baruch ata Illinois misamayach
habriyos”. Please recite before continuing reading this addition.
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POTS FOR SHIDDUCHIM
th th
On the 15 of Shevat we had “Shas for shidduchim”. Last year on the 14
th
th
and 15 of Adar, we had “Shots for Shidduchim”. This year on the 14 of
Nissan, join us for “ Pots for Shidduchim” (no! not that kind of pot). We
will embark on a 24-hour quest to sell complete sets of pots for the zchus
of helping Klal Yisroel’s singles find their basherts. As my Mother z”l
used to say “Every pot has its cover”. All proceeds will go towards our
Shidduch Initiative. Co-sponsored by the AMA American Matchmakers
Association.
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Do you have non Jewish help that cooks for you? Bishul akum can be a
major issue. The Andromeda K in conjunction with Colonel Electric is
pleased to announce their latest innovation for the kosher consumer. Now
introducing “Goy Mode”. Never worry about bishul akum in your house
again. When your help wants to cook, your stove texts you and thru an app
on your phone you can turn on your stove and/or oven thru remote control.
(Caution: your oven loses it’s smart status in this mode)
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The Northshore Universal Shul System is now offering Shul Insurance.
For one low premium, you can lock in membership at a reduced rate to
your primary shul and automatically receive Associate Memberships to 2
other shuls in our network. At the Gold level, you receive in addition to
normal coverage, 3 mishaberachs and 1 kiddush co-sponsorship. All mem-
bers will receive a card with the codes to all the shuls in our network. To
be totally covered for all shaylos you will have to pick 1 Rav as your pri-
mary Rav and would need his referral to take your shayla to a posek out-
side the system. For more information or to enroll go to
WWW.OnePriceShulMembership.com