Page 80 - Likutei Tipshim

our very own country that enjoy mild temperatures and sun shine?
It’s time we worked to change this despicable inequality! As part of
Washington’s “share the burden” program, we will start moving
populations from the north to the south from the east to the west. All
callous individuals who won’t move will be subject to a cooperate
tax. ( similar to corporate tax but more obtrusive) To join the
“Weather Inequality - Share the Sunshine protocol ”, contact us at
Imfromthegovernmentandimheretohelp.com
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
The Presidential Council for Truth in Advertising would like to take
this opportunity to remind the American people that: Losing a job is
really freedom to engage in art and poetry. A budget deficit larger
than in any previous administration is austerity. If you like your
insurance, you can keep your insurance. Jihad is a personal journey
and this administration has Israel’s back.
After such a long hard winter, we are all used to having our private
and personal parking spots that we acquired from the city by digging
out our car. Think you are going to miss the convenience of having
your car right in front of your house? No need to worry. The makers
of the pop up sukkah now have the pop up snow drift. That’s right!
For just $200, you can pop up a realistic looking snow drift complete
with lawn chairs. Never search for a parking spot again. For more
info check out our web site: sweatequitywildwest .com
For all our readers that are looking for results
without effort we present to you our
“SEGULA CORNER”
1. Segula for getting married: Get engaged.
2. Segula for long life: Drink an 8 ounce cup of Coca Cola every day
for 100 years.
3. Segula for not drowning: Learn how to swim.
4. Segula for davening with a minyan: Go to Shul
5. Segula for pure faith: Don’t believe in segulas. The economy is
so bad people
Do you have extra oxygen around your house
you aren’t using. Send it to Kupat H’Air for have started
proven hatzlacha in all your endeavors. Guaran- marrying for
teed to put more air in your sails. love.
Prominent leaders and thinkers weigh in on the age old question:
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did
the road move beneath the chicken?
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like 1. How do you know your yeshiva is in financial trouble?
their eggs, they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to
cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why
the chicken crossed the road?
JOHN KERRY: A lot of people still think the chicken crossed the road
and those are the kind of people that still think the earth is flat.
Look, a lot of people want this chicken and I appreciate that but we can
get you a different chicken and then I will get the peace prize, I mean
there will be peace.
MAHMOUD ABBAS: The chicken is ours & the road is ours. We
were here before there was a chicken and everything was ours for the
last 10,000 years. Even before there were chickens or roads, it was all
ours.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.
ZAIDY: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough for us.
APPLE: We have just released IChicken2014, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, balance
your checkbook and tweet.
Do you want to start a gemach but it seems all the good gemach ideas
have been taken? The Chicago Center has just launched it’s “gemach
gemach”. We have tens of unused gemachs that you can borrow from
us for an unlimited amount of time.
Halachic Corner
Zmanim for 5774 (2014 ce)
TIME TO START GOING GREEN:
According To World Watch: The sky is falling, The sky is falling
According to Al Gore: Do as I Say Not as I Do
According to Kermit the Frog: What took you so long?
Do you enjoy a good Shabbos Hagadol Drasha ? Are you torn between all the
interesting topics and can’t decide which drasha to go to? Would you love to
record it but can’t because it’s on Shabbos? With the new smart phone from
“Gramma phone” you can now record speeches , text and check emails even
on Shabbos. We take the issur out of avayros! Don’t forget our motto, “ when
it comes to technicalities we have the technology”. For more information con-
tact us at kullasRus@missingthepoint.com
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Questions for Thought and Study
2. What did Lee say to Harriet when they got married?
3. What bracha do you make after shopping online?
4. Did you hear the one about the effective politician in Washington?
5. What’s the difference between Besuros Tovos and Betzaros Tovos?
Answers:
1. You put money in the vending machine and the digital readout says
“tizku lmitzvos”
2. Harriet mikudeshes Lee
3. Bircas Ha'Amazon
4. Unfortunately neither did we.
5. Besuros Tovos is when you are looking forward to the birth of a
grandchild. Betzaros Tovos is when you have 2 grandchildren’s brisin
the same day on 2 different continents.
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Thoughts to Ponder:
If you are putting on a theatrical performance about puns, would you say
it’s a play on words?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
If smart phones were so smart, they wouldn't let you waste your time on
Twitter and Facebook.
THIS YEAR’S LIKUTEI TIPSHIM IS SPONSORED
Mr. & Mrs Martin Naseyum wish good luck to their son James on the
opening of his 24/6 Workout Emporium. If you are looking for a great
place to exercise, join Jim Nasiyum’s Workout Emporium.
In honor of Secretary of State John Kerry’s noble efforts in trying to
bring peace to the middle east. Mr. Kerry, we bless you with the same
blessing the Rabbi in Fiddler on the Roof gave the czar, “may H’ bless
you and keep you far away from us.
The Kichol Hagoyim store has finally arrived in Chicago. Everything in
this store looks and smells treif but is 100% glatt kosher. Come on in and
experience life on the other side of the tracks. Endorsed by goyish chefs
from around the world and if they like it, it must be good. For more in-
formation, check out our website www.getyourprioritiesright.com
Many people are still talking and complaining about the rough winter we
had. Likutei-Tipshim would like to remind everyone that all the snow we
had would have been easier to take if you would have taken it with a
grain of salt.
Have you always wondered how to solve a Rubick’s Cube? How to