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You have used the internet for finding your bashert (with the   Goy™).   Our skilled staff of certified Internet Goyim™ will get you   THIS YEAR’S LIKUTEI TIPSHIM IS SPONSORED BY
 proper filters, of course) but then starts the real challenge.      started. For more information go to
 People spend months, sometimes years looking for the “right”   www.besserfuryenemnishtfurunzera.com   The Chicago Pilpul Society’s Bored Directors wishing mazel tov to
 shul. One where they feel at home, “In response to this commu-  our very own Reb Gut Gezokt on the publishing of his sefer,
 nity crisis, we have the answer you are looking for. Helping   Thoughts to Ponder:   “Pilpul for pupils”. Available at fine Judaica stores near you.
 members of all ages and backgrounds find their bashert shul.   Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies   Helpful Health Hint #1. Just like you do warm ups before strenuous
 Check us out at www.sawyouatshul.com   wake up approximately every two hours?   activity it’s recommended to take a nap before you go to bed . It’s

 We are hearing more and more cases of people becoming         If a Jew has a Tehillim in his pocket, is he considered carrying a   never good to rush into a change in physical activity.
 addicted to their cell phone. What starts out as a way to make   concealed weapon?
 you more productive & efficient, turns into an escape from the   If you go into a Bookstore and ask for help to find the Self- Help   Are you in a business relationship that isn’t working? Is there a
 reality in front of you into a virtual world that disconnects you   Section. Does that defeat the purpose?   contract you regret signing? Louis Pole attorney at law is here for
 from those you are trying to connect with. Don’t worry! There   you. Buyers regret? Call Lou Pole. He can get you out of anything.
 is an app for that. Download the reality app and if you are on   Do you think if chas v’shalom there will be an EPA in Yerusha-  The Yemos Hamashiach Travel Agency Announcing a great deal for
 your phone’s browser for more than 5 minutes or in social me-  layim when Moshiach comes, they would probably send out an   tourists.
 dia for more that 3 minutes, your phone will shut down and re-  announcement like this: We must do something about the pollution   2 special tour packages to Yerushalayim:
 quire a 10 minute reboot.  So if you have an insatiable appetite   in Jerusalem, because the increased number of sacrifices has led to dan-
 for apps, an aptitude for apps or just find apps appealing, we can   gerous levels of Korban Monoxide.   The Deluxe Plan includes airfare, 7 nights in a 5 star hotel, a free shuttle
 restore your sense of reality with the anti-app for your appara-  Halachic Corner   to the Har HaBayit, 4 sheep and unlimited menachos.
 tus. Try the appsanonymous app. Available for any brand smart   Zmanim for 5775 (20145Ce)   The Economy Plan includes 2 nights at a nice hotel, 2 pigeons and
 phone.                                         directions to the Har HaBayit.
 TIME:  WHEN YOU START TO FEEL OLD:             Don't Passover these great bargains
 These questions just in from the United Nations Department of   According To elementary schools kids: When you get to cross the street
 Ambiguity:   by yourself.                      Does your back ache? Is your head throbbing? Dr. Lester Pane

     1. How is it Possible to Have a Civil War?   According to Teenagers: when you get your driver’s license.    announces his meditation and acupuncture clinic. Make an appoint-
                                                ment today by Les Pane Ltd.
 2. If You Spin an Oriental Man in a Circle Three Times,   According Middle Agers: When Tums become your after dinner mint   Mr. Richard Shaw announcing the opening of his human powered
 Does He Become Disoriented?   of choice.       taxi service. Want to get somewhere in the neighborhood at a

 3. Can an Atheist Get Insurance Against Acts of God?   "Shloshim yom kodem hachag..." "30 days before the Festival we   leisurely pace? Call Rick Shaw
 The United Nations Human Rights Com-  are obligated to learn the halachos of Pesach." Seeing that Purim   Culinary Institute of America  (CIA) is pleased to welcome renown
 mission is very concerned over the racist   A lie can travel half   is 30 days before Pesach, it's appropriate that we bring the follow-  Mexican chef  Kay Sediya to the Chicago area.
 narrative in all synagogues calling for   way around the   ing very important Pesach item to the K'hal's attention.   The community is invited to witness the redemption of a first born
 the genocide of Amalek. As defenders of  world while the   For all those people who follow the custom of Gebrokhts -- of not   donkey, this Sunday at the home of Mr. & Mrs. Peter Chamor.
 despots, terrorists & bigots, we call on   truth is putting on   putting the matzah into anything wet, out of a concern that it
 all caring people to protest this desire to  its shoes - Mark   could somehow become chametz:   Mr. & Mrs. Force wish much luck to Gail on the opening of her
 rid the world of war and oppression.      Twain    sand blasting company. To make your brick building look brand
 No matter how careful you try, there is still a problem.  Because   new, check out Gale Force Sandblasting.
 The government just released a survey that found that citizens   there is still saliva in your mouth that mixes with the matzah
 make up the majority of people living in the United States (but   while  you're chewing.  To this end, the ALSC Ain Ledavor Sof   New math is coming to a school near you. This method has a
 don’t worry, our Government is working hard on changing that).    Committee  is pleased to offer a special kosher l’Pesach  plastic   proven success rate. Without exception, for kids with an affinity for
 The Tipish Institute of Nutrition has just come out with a new diet   mouth-guard  (patent pending)  This will allow you to chew the   math it turns them off and for kids without a math acumen it leaves
                                                them cold, thus leveling the playing field. To demonstrate, here is a
 pill. If you follow the instructions on the bottle, they guarantee you   matzah and have it pass directly to your esophagus, without mix-  th
 will lose weight. Just take 1 pill in the morning,  stick to a 1400 calo-  ing with the saliva in your mouth.   word problem from a 6  grade math book:  How is it that a farmer
 rie diet and exercise 30 minutes each day. Pills just cost $1.00 each   The Midrash explains that Queen Esther had a deep olive-green   counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had
 with $10.00 shipping and handling. Order from our website   complexion. Therefore, in honor of our heroine, we are encourag-  200?
 www.oneborneveryminute.com                     This Sunday: New Pre-Pesach Service, free document shredding.
 ing everybody to go green.  We call upon the city council to dye
 Train to be an Internet Goy Looking for extra income? Who isn’t   the Chicago River green in honor of the occasion. If you agree,   Now you can shred any papers that have the word "Chametz" or
 these days? There are now people making an excellent living or spare   tweet # Irishtheriverwasgreenforthequeen.    "Leaven" or "Bread" written anywhere within the document.  En-
 income by using their basic Internet skills in ways that meet the needs   dorsed by major Poskim.
 of the Jewish Orthodox community.                                                    You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.
 Our training program will turn you into a qualified IG™(Internet
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