Page 86 - Likutei Tipshim

TAG Chicago is proud to announce the next generation of filters.
Of course you have filters on your desktop, laptop, Ipad and smart
phone. But what about when you disconnect yourself from the vir-
tual world and engage in the “real” world? Are you protected from
what’s out there? We now carry a line of filters for your glasses
and hearing aides. Next time someone starts talking loshon horah,
your hearing aid will filter it out. If you are walking down the street
and accosted by an indecent image, a blank box will pop up on your
glasses. Don’t take chances, get this filter today.
Helpful Health Hint #2: People who eat slowly eat less. Of course,
anyone from a large family can tell you that.
The kleptomaniac society is inviting the community to join our
demonstration in front of city hall. We have to stop the discrimina-
tion and criminalization of our condition. It is a force that is hard
wired into our psyche. We can’t help our desire to steal, H’ made us
this way. It’s not like global warming where we can do something
about it. For more information follow us
@changingyouiseasierthanchangingme. #letmehavethat
#cuziwantit
Contact your congressman. The Republican majority is working
hard to consolidate the EPA, Homeland Security, The Department
Of Business And Standards and Department Of Health And Human
Resources into the Department of Common Sense. Unfortunately, it
doesn’t make sense to the rest of Washington.
Security has become a major concern for Jewish organizations eve-
rywhere.. We at the OABSM Company ( One Armed Bandit Slot
Machine Co.) have the answer to your security issues as well as a
unique fundraising tool. The new pay as you go keyless combina-
tion lock. This lock combination changes every day. At the start of
each day, we will text the new combination to all paid members. If
someone who is not a member of the shul wants to enter, they sim-
ply put in 2 quarters and pull the handle. The numbers will spin and
if the numbers match that day’s code they get in if not they have to
try again. For more information visit our website at
www.itsforyourowngood.com
The FAA Fundraisers Association of America is pleased to invite
all “not for profit” professionals to their “blood from a stone” work-
shop. We will share such unique fundraising ideas such as:
“Sponsoring the air in the bais medrish for the week” or
“ There are 4 Rosh Hashanas. Why just have a membership drive
for the Tishrei cycle?
Looking for meaning in your life? We help you understand what
everyday questions mean. For example: When you are told, “It will
be worth your while”, how much is a while anyway? And is it
worth it? For these and other burning questions, register for our
daily tweets. #truemeaning#huh?
Questions for Thought and Study
1. Which suburb has the most dental hygienist.
2. What do you call a fake noodles?
3. What is another name for a selfie stick?
Answers:
1. Flossmore
2. Impasta
3. Narcisstick
The governor in conjunction with heads of all local municipalities
in the state are pleased to offer The Red Light Speed Pass. For ½
the price of the usual fine, you can run any red light and have the
amount deducted from your prepaid account. This will answer all
the critics who say red light cameras cause more accidents than
they prevent, as you won’t have to slam on the brakes. It will also
take care of the real reason for the cameras “extra revenue”.
There seems to be less meshulachim coming around lately. People
are also being more careful about turning their cell phones off or
on silent during davening. We are running out of excuses for not
having kavana. The “Dan L’Kav Zchus” committee, is here to
help. Text us 5 minutes before you start to daven and we will text
you back a quick article of your choosing (ex. politics, weather,
finance, even a joke) guaranteed to keep you distracted and unfo-
cused for all of davaning. 1-773-KAV-ANAH
How many times have you been at a wedding and they start to
daven mincha or maariv? When everyone takes out their smart
phone, you pull out your small pocket mincha/marriv siddur.
Tired of looking years behind the technology curve? The Klapey
Chutz Company has the answer for you. Introducing the new
Icover. It looks like a smart phone and it will hold a pocket siddur
as well as a note pad. (we guarantee our note pad wont crash or
ever require a reboot). Check out other Klapey Chutz items at
www.chitzoniyus.com
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Likutei Tipshim is not now and has never been associated with any fine
institutions of higher learning in the city of Chicago or its environs.
Ideas? Comments? Send email to likutei-tipshim@juno.com
The contents of this publication have been certified Torah free. May
contain some trace elements of gematria. Written in a facility where
people eat peanuts.
Money back guarantee: If this issue fails to produce at least one
chuckle and/or one smile, return to point of purchase for a fool refund.
THIS PUBLICATION IS STILL NOT A RECIPIENT OF THE
JEWISH FEDERATION OF METROPOLITAN CHICAGO
קחשל שרדמה תיב
םירופ Humor Training Center
Likutei Tipshim 2015 Volume Loud Number 1
This year’s Likutei Tipshim is brought to you by Chicken Little and
the Global Warming Community reminding everyone to please
ignore the temperature in your city and remember under our collar
it’s very hot.
Disclaimer: We, at Lekutei Tipshim, wish to once again inform the public that we are in
no way affiliated, associated, or otherwise related to any institution or organization
currently publishing similar types of periodicals, weeklies, etc.
This year Purim falls out on, WE INTERRUPT THIS PURIM
TORAH WITH AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE
WHITE HOUSE: My fellow Americans, as you all know, my
presidency has been based on the concept of equality for all. I can no
longer be silent while a terrible injustice continues. It has been over 100
years since the Chicago Cubs have won the
The trouble with our liberal World Series. Therefore, by Executive
friends is not that they are Order, I, the President of the United States,
officially declare the Chicago Cubs winner
ignorant, but that they
know so much that isn’t so. of the 2015 World Series. The season will
Ronald Reagan be played as usual but come October 2015,
the Chicago Cubs will be declared World
Champions. Now we will finally have
equality in major league baseball. WE NOW RETURN TO OUR
REGULARLY SCHEDULED PURIM TORAH IN PROGRESS……
and this unique insight shows why Achashveros moved his capital to
Shushan.
Me shenichnas Adar marbim b’simcha, when Adar enters we must
increase our joy. The challenge of our generation, being in ekvos
d’mishicha, which brings with it much trials and tribulation, is how to get
into the simcha zone? We checked with city hall and it just so happens
that Peterson Park as well as West Rogers Park are zoned for simcha,
However, if you plan on being overly sameach you will need a zoning
variance, and if you plan on being overly, overly, overly sameach you
will also need a liquor license. That being said, we still have to do our
hishtadlus. It is said, lefum tzara agra, proportionate to the pain is the
reward. Therefore, the less you feel b’simcha the greater reward you will
get if you can be sameach. Rabbi Alfred E Newman in his monumental
work, “ What, Me Worry?” suggests you should focus on the positive
aspects in your life. Likutei Tipshim would like to suggest a few: There
are only 15 more days till spring, in 29 days you will be finished clean-
ing for Pesach, Boruch H’ that we have the concept of bitul, and this year
it’s a lock that the Cubs will win the world series.
Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers and
attorneys? It’s called, Sosumi.