Page 84 - Likutei Tipshim

You have used the internet for finding your bashert (with the
proper filters, of course) but then starts the real challenge.
People spend months, sometimes years looking for the “right”
shul. One where they feel at home, “In response to this commu-
nity crisis, we have the answer you are looking for. Helping
members of all ages and backgrounds find their bashert shul.
Check us out at www.sawyouatshul.com
We are hearing more and more cases of people becoming
addicted to their cell phone. What starts out as a way to make
you more productive & efficient, turns into an escape from the
reality in front of you into a virtual world that disconnects you
from those you are trying to connect with. Don’t worry! There
is an app for that. Download the reality app and if you are on
your phone’s browser for more than 5 minutes or in social me-
dia for more that 3 minutes, your phone will shut down and re-
quire a 10 minute reboot. So if you have an insatiable appetite
for apps, an aptitude for apps or just find apps appealing, we can
restore your sense of reality with the anti-app for your appara-
tus. Try the appsanonymous app. Available for any brand smart
phone.
These questions just in from the United Nations Department of
Ambiguity:
1. How is it Possible to Have a Civil War?
2. If You Spin an Oriental Man in a Circle Three Times,
Does He Become Disoriented?
3. Can an Atheist Get Insurance Against Acts of God?
The United Nations Human Rights Com-
mission is very concerned over the racist A lie can travel half
narrative in all synagogues calling for way around the
the genocide of Amalek. As defenders of world while the
despots, terrorists & bigots, we call on truth is putting on
all caring people to protest this desire to its shoes - Mark
rid the world of war and oppression. Twain
The government just released a survey that found that citizens
make up the majority of people living in the United States (but
don’t worry, our Government is working hard on changing that).
The Tipish Institute of Nutrition has just come out with a new diet
pill. If you follow the instructions on the bottle, they guarantee you
will lose weight. Just take 1 pill in the morning, stick to a 1400 calo-
rie diet and exercise 30 minutes each day. Pills just cost $1.00 each
with $10.00 shipping and handling. Order from our website
www.oneborneveryminute.com
Train to be an Internet Goy Looking for extra income? Who isn’t
these days? There are now people making an excellent living or spare
income by using their basic Internet skills in ways that meet the needs
of the Jewish Orthodox community.
Our training program will turn you into a qualified IG™(Internet
Goy™). Our skilled staff of certified Internet Goyim™ will get you
started. For more information go to
www.besserfuryenemnishtfurunzera.com
Thoughts to Ponder:
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies
wake up approximately every two hours?
If a Jew has a Tehillim in his pocket, is he considered carrying a
concealed weapon?
If you go into a Bookstore and ask for help to find the Self- Help
Section. Does that defeat the purpose?
Do you think if chas v’shalom there will be an EPA in Yerusha-
layim when Moshiach comes, they would probably send out an
announcement like this: We must do something about the pollution
in Jerusalem, because the increased number of sacrifices has led to dan-
gerous levels of Korban Monoxide.
Halachic Corner
Zmanim for 5775 (20145Ce)
TIME: WHEN YOU START TO FEEL OLD:
According To elementary schools kids: When you get to cross the street
by yourself.
According to Teenagers: when you get your driver’s license.
According Middle Agers: When Tums become your after dinner mint
of choice.
"Shloshim yom kodem hachag..." "30 days before the Festival we
are obligated to learn the halachos of Pesach." Seeing that Purim
is 30 days before Pesach, it's appropriate that we bring the follow-
ing very important Pesach item to the K'hal's attention.
For all those people who follow the custom of Gebrokhts -- of not
putting the matzah into anything wet, out of a concern that it
could somehow become chametz:
No matter how careful you try, there is still a problem. Because
there is still saliva in your mouth that mixes with the matzah
while you're chewing. To this end, the ALSC Ain Ledavor Sof
Committee is pleased to offer a special kosher l’Pesach plastic
mouth-guard (patent pending) This will allow you to chew the
matzah and have it pass directly to your esophagus, without mix-
ing with the saliva in your mouth.
The Midrash explains that Queen Esther had a deep olive-green
complexion. Therefore, in honor of our heroine, we are encourag-
ing everybody to go green. We call upon the city council to dye
the Chicago River green in honor of the occasion. If you agree,
tweet # Irishtheriverwasgreenforthequeen.
You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.
THIS YEAR’S LIKUTEI TIPSHIM IS SPONSORED BY
The Chicago Pilpul Society’s Bored Directors wishing mazel tov to
our very own Reb Gut Gezokt on the publishing of his sefer,
“Pilpul for pupils”. Available at fine Judaica stores near you.
Helpful Health Hint #1. Just like you do warm ups before strenuous
activity it’s recommended to take a nap before you go to bed . It’s
never good to rush into a change in physical activity.
Are you in a business relationship that isn’t working? Is there a
contract you regret signing? Louis Pole attorney at law is here for
you. Buyers regret? Call Lou Pole. He can get you out of anything.
The Yemos Hamashiach Travel Agency Announcing a great deal for
tourists.
2 special tour packages to Yerushalayim:
The Deluxe Plan includes airfare, 7 nights in a 5 star hotel, a free shuttle
to the Har HaBayit, 4 sheep and unlimited menachos.
The Economy Plan includes 2 nights at a nice hotel, 2 pigeons and
directions to the Har HaBayit.
Don't Passover these great bargains
Does your back ache? Is your head throbbing? Dr. Lester Pane
announces his meditation and acupuncture clinic. Make an appoint-
ment today by Les Pane Ltd.
Mr. Richard Shaw announcing the opening of his human powered
taxi service. Want to get somewhere in the neighborhood at a
leisurely pace? Call Rick Shaw
Culinary Institute of America (CIA) is pleased to welcome renown
Mexican chef Kay Sediya to the Chicago area.
The community is invited to witness the redemption of a first born
donkey, this Sunday at the home of Mr. & Mrs. Peter Chamor.
Mr. & Mrs. Force wish much luck to Gail on the opening of her
sand blasting company. To make your brick building look brand
new, check out Gale Force Sandblasting.
New math is coming to a school near you. This method has a
proven success rate. Without exception, for kids with an affinity for
math it turns them off and for kids without a math acumen it leaves
them cold, thus leveling the playing field. To demonstrate, here is a
th
word problem from a 6 grade math book: How is it that a farmer
counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had
200?
This Sunday: New Pre-Pesach Service, free document shredding.
Now you can shred any papers that have the word "Chametz" or
"Leaven" or "Bread" written anywhere within the document. En-
dorsed by major Poskim.