Page 82 - Likutei Tipshim

master the toughest sudokus? Mr. Howard Didit is coming to Chicago for
a one time seminar on the basics of solving all these brain teasers. Sign
up today for Howie Didit’s amazing explanations.
Mr. & Mrs. O’Shea wishing good luck to their son Richard on the
opening of his billiard palace. He will be offering classes on making
those tricky bumper shots. Call Rick O’Shea for more information.
Would you like to go out for a coffee with a friend, but all your friends
are busy? Just moved to Chicago and haven’t made any friends yet? Call
Chaverim, we are there for you.
I highly endorse Dr. Tye Oneon and his new book, “ The Whisky Diet”
I have been on it and I lost 3 days already. Mr. Jim Beam
Mr. John Hem and Mr. Joe May announce the opening of their Insurance
Agency. When disaster strikes and things seem out of control you can
count on May Hem Insurance services.
Do you yawn after you see someone else yawn? Does your head itch
when you hear the word lice? You may suffer from HGS. For the low fee
of $10.99 plus shipping and handling, we will send you a cure for High
Gullibility Syndrome.
The CDC center for disease control out of Atlanta issued a warning for
the Chicago area. They have noticed an increase in the Speed Hump
Virus spreading throughout our area. It starts out with 2 sets of innocuous
parallel indentations in a city street and before you know it erupts into a
large boil the shape on a mountain. They are working on a cure, but in
the meantime, they urge caution and a good set of shock absorbers.
Tired of your old look? Looking for a new sheitel that is “you”? The
newest segula for finding the perfect sheitel is to donate your old sheitel
to Kupat Hair. Results guaranteed.
The election committee of Illinois would like to remind everyone the im-
portance of voting this Tuesday. The issues this year are crucial. We need
change, but stability is what will get us thru this difficult time in our his-
tory. Term limits are crucial however experience can’t be underestimat-
ed. If we want change we have to change the players but keep in mind
we need people who are familiar with how the system works to promote
change from within. We are “Double Speak International” and we ap-
prove of this message
You wouldn’t think of buying a house without homeowners insurance,
nor would you buy a car without car insurance but no one seems to have
a problem getting married without “Errors and Omissions Insur-
ance”. Shalom Bayis Underwriters Insurance Co., is now offering “E &
O marital insurance”. Next time you forget a birthday or anniversary or
you “mistakenly” throw out his lucky tee shirt, don’t worry. You will be
covered.
Everyone is aware of the hard winter we’ve experienced this year. Based
on popular science, human action has a 6% impact on the environment
that causes global warming. Therefore, the editorial board of Likutei-
Tipshim urges everyone to get rid of their fluorescent light bulbs and go
back to incandescent lighting as well as running your cars for long peri-
ods of time in front of your house. Maybe there is still time to warm up
our city before it’s too late.
Google Glass announcing the launch of their latest app. The baal korai
app. Just put the glasses on, look at the sefer Torah, access the app and
all the trup and nekudos will pop up. Sound like a pro without the prep-
aration. Available online and at local Jewish bookstores near you.
By the American Procrastinators International, reminding everyone of
our motto “ Procrastinate Later”.
Do you want to be mikayim “ad dlo yoda” but you are underage? Let
me tell you the story of Berel. He wanted to drink till “ad dilo yoda”
but he wasn’t old enough, and no one would give him the chance to
drink. He was feeling very despondent and ready to give up when some
one handed him a flyer from Kupat H’Beer. Feeling he had nothing to
lose, he took all his Bar Mitzvah money and gave it to a Kupat H’Beer
representative. Sure enough, when Purim came that year, he came
down with the stomach flu. When he went to shul he was dizzy, could
barely stand up and he was nauseous. Everyone assumed he was drunk
and truth be told at that time he couldn’t tell the difference between
baruch Mordechai and arur Haman. So send all your money to Kupat
H’Beer and prepare for amazing yeshuos.
...................................... ... ............................................................................................................................. the part of the brain known as the hypokvetchamus. With modern brain
Likutei Tipshim is not now and has never been associated with any fine insti-
tutions of higher learning in the city of Chicago or its environs. Ideas? Com- mapping technology, we find there is a fine line between joy and sorrow.
ments? Send email to likutei-tipshim@juno.com
contents of this publication have been certified Torah free. May contain some trace elements of
gematria. Written in a facility where people eat peanuts. High in fiber. No Brain cells were hurt in
the production of this publication.
Money back guarantee: If this issue fails to produce at least one chuck-
le and/or one smile, return to point of purchase for a fool refund.
THIS PUBLICATION IS STILL NOT A RECIPIENT OF THE JEWISH FEDERATION OF METRO-
POLITAN CHICAGO
Prepared by people with too much time on their hands. If you would like to sponsor an addition of
likutei-tipshim we also have a bridge in Brooklyn you might be interested in.
קחשל שרדמה תיב
םירופ Humor Training Center
Likutei Tipshim 2014
Volume Loud Number 3
This year’s Likutei Tipshim is brought to you by Kupat H’Beer. There is
a special segula if you spend all your money on our beer. We will be zo-
che to an early retirement.
Disclaimer: We, at Lekutei Tipshim, wish to once again inform the public that we are in
no way affiliated, associated, or otherwise related to any institution or organization
currently publishing similar types of periodicals, weeklies, etc
Me shenichnas Adar marbim b’simcha. When Adar starts we increase our
joy. The question is, what if you aren’t in the mood for joy? What if be-
ing miserable makes you happy? Do we seek out things that make us
miserable so we can increase our joy? The great Rabbi Dr. Sheffel Ruach
discusses this very issue in his monumental work, “ Borscht for the
Soul”. He speculates that the root of happiness and sadness come from
The By directing us to be extra joyful during the
10 years ago the USA month of Adar, the chachamim gave us the op-
had Steve Jobs, Bob portunity to (vnahafoch hu) turn our desire to
Hope and Johnny be sad into a desire to be happy (it’s only a
Cash... Now they small synapse away). That is why most people
have no Jobs, no just Adar this month. If you still need some
Hope and no Cash. encouragement to take the leap to the happy
side of the street, here are some of our oldest
and favorite punch lines: “ A newspaper”, “To
get to the other slide”, “ One, but it has to really want to change”, “I
don’t hold from the eruv”, and “ you just don’t know how to tell a
joke” [ for the set up of any of these jokes send a request to likutei-
tipshim@juno.com ].
There is an obligation to become intoxicated to the point where we don’t
know the difference between Baruch Mordechai and Arur Haman. The
Rabbanim ask why we don’t make a bracha on it? The great chassidishe
Rebbe, Reb Shmuel Adams in his ground breaking work “ There Are No
Misnagdim in Foxholes” answers this question. Since everyone has their
own point of shekirous, it isn’t known when you start to drink if you will
be zoche to reach the level of ad dilo yoda. So, if you make a bracha,
“ al mitzvas ad dilo yoda”, in advance, it might be a bracha l’vatala and if
you do it afterwards it would definitely be a bracha l’vatala. So under the
circumstance, it is better to shayve val taaseh. ( which is the origin of the
minhag some have to only shave ½ of their beard on Purim)
So much is being said and written about income inequality these days.
We find it astounding that no one is discussing the issue of weather ine-
quality. Do you realize that while some of us have suffered with weeks of
below zero temperatures and extreme snow fall totals, there are others in