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TAG Chicago is proud to announce the next generation of filters. Questions for Thought and Study
Of course you have filters on your desktop, laptop, Ipad and smart קחשל שרדמה תיב
phone. But what about when you disconnect yourself from the vir- 1. Which suburb has the most dental hygienist.
tual world and engage in the “real” world? Are you protected from 2. What do you call a fake noodles?
what’s out there? We now carry a line of filters for your glasses 3. What is another name for a selfie stick? םירופ Humor Training Center
and hearing aides. Next time someone starts talking loshon horah,
your hearing aid will filter it out. If you are walking down the street Answers: Likutei Tipshim 2015 Volume Loud Number 1
and accosted by an indecent image, a blank box will pop up on your 1. Flossmore This year’s Likutei Tipshim is brought to you by Chicken Little and
glasses. Don’t take chances, get this filter today. the Global Warming Community reminding everyone to please
2. Impasta
Helpful Health Hint #2: People who eat slowly eat less. Of course, ignore the temperature in your city and remember under our collar
anyone from a large family can tell you that. 3. Narcisstick it’s very hot.

The kleptomaniac society is inviting the community to join our The governor in conjunction with heads of all local municipalities Disclaimer: We, at Lekutei Tipshim, wish to once again inform the public that we are in
no way affiliated, associated, or otherwise related to any institution or organization
demonstration in front of city hall. We have to stop the discrimina- in the state are pleased to offer The Red Light Speed Pass. For ½ currently publishing similar types of periodicals, weeklies, etc.
tion and criminalization of our condition. It is a force that is hard the price of the usual fine, you can run any red light and have the This year Purim falls out on, WE INTERRUPT THIS PURIM
wired into our psyche. We can’t help our desire to steal, H’ made us amount deducted from your prepaid account. This will answer all TORAH WITH AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE
this way. It’s not like global warming where we can do something the critics who say red light cameras cause more accidents than WHITE HOUSE: My fellow Americans, as you all know, my
about it. For more information follow us they prevent, as you won’t have to slam on the brakes. It will also presidency has been based on the concept of equality for all. I can no
@changingyouiseasierthanchangingme. #letmehavethat take care of the real reason for the cameras “extra revenue”. longer be silent while a terrible injustice continues. It has been over 100
#cuziwantit There seems to be less meshulachim coming around lately. People years since the Chicago Cubs have won the

Contact your congressman. The Republican majority is working are also being more careful about turning their cell phones off or The trouble with our liberal World Series. Therefore, by Executive
hard to consolidate the EPA, Homeland Security, The Department on silent during davening. We are running out of excuses for not friends is not that they are Order, I, the President of the United States,
officially declare the Chicago Cubs winner
ignorant, but that they
Of Business And Standards and Department Of Health And Human having kavana. The “Dan L’Kav Zchus” committee, is here to know so much that isn’t so. of the 2015 World Series. The season will
Resources into the Department of Common Sense. Unfortunately, it help. Text us 5 minutes before you start to daven and we will text Ronald Reagan be played as usual but come October 2015,
doesn’t make sense to the rest of Washington. you back a quick article of your choosing (ex. politics, weather, the Chicago Cubs will be declared World
finance, even a joke) guaranteed to keep you distracted and unfo-
Security has become a major concern for Jewish organizations eve- cused for all of davaning. 1-773-KAV-ANAH Champions. Now we will finally have
rywhere.. We at the OABSM Company ( One Armed Bandit Slot equality in major league baseball. WE NOW RETURN TO OUR
Machine Co.) have the answer to your security issues as well as a How many times have you been at a wedding and they start to REGULARLY SCHEDULED PURIM TORAH IN PROGRESS……
and this unique insight shows why Achashveros moved his capital to
unique fundraising tool. The new pay as you go keyless combina- daven mincha or maariv? When everyone takes out their smart Shushan.
tion lock. This lock combination changes every day. At the start of phone, you pull out your small pocket mincha/marriv siddur.
each day, we will text the new combination to all paid members. If Tired of looking years behind the technology curve? The Klapey Me shenichnas Adar marbim b’simcha, when Adar enters we must
someone who is not a member of the shul wants to enter, they sim- Chutz Company has the answer for you. Introducing the new increase our joy. The challenge of our generation, being in ekvos
ply put in 2 quarters and pull the handle. The numbers will spin and Icover. It looks like a smart phone and it will hold a pocket siddur d’mishicha, which brings with it much trials and tribulation, is how to get
into the simcha zone? We checked with city hall and it just so happens
if the numbers match that day’s code they get in if not they have to as well as a note pad. (we guarantee our note pad wont crash or that Peterson Park as well as West Rogers Park are zoned for simcha,
try again. For more information visit our website at ever require a reboot). Check out other Klapey Chutz items at However, if you plan on being overly sameach you will need a zoning
www.itsforyourowngood.com www.chitzoniyus.com variance, and if you plan on being overly, overly, overly sameach you

The FAA Fundraisers Association of America is pleased to invite ********************************************************* will also need a liquor license. That being said, we still have to do our
all “not for profit” professionals to their “blood from a stone” work- Likutei Tipshim is not now and has never been associated with any fine hishtadlus. It is said, lefum tzara agra, proportionate to the pain is the
institutions of higher learning in the city of Chicago or its environs.
shop. We will share such unique fundraising ideas such as: reward. Therefore, the less you feel b’simcha the greater reward you will
Ideas? Comments? Send email to likutei-tipshim@juno.com get if you can be sameach. Rabbi Alfred E Newman in his monumental
“Sponsoring the air in the bais medrish for the week” or work, “ What, Me Worry?” suggests you should focus on the positive
The contents of this publication have been certified Torah free. May aspects in your life. Likutei Tipshim would like to suggest a few: There
“ There are 4 Rosh Hashanas. Why just have a membership drive contain some trace elements of gematria. Written in a facility where are only 15 more days till spring, in 29 days you will be finished clean-
for the Tishrei cycle? people eat peanuts. ing for Pesach, Boruch H’ that we have the concept of bitul, and this year

Looking for meaning in your life? We help you understand what Money back guarantee: If this issue fails to produce at least one it’s a lock that the Cubs will win the world series.
everyday questions mean. For example: When you are told, “It will chuckle and/or one smile, return to point of purchase for a fool refund. Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers and
be worth your while”, how much is a while anyway? And is it THIS PUBLICATION IS STILL NOT A RECIPIENT OF THE attorneys? It’s called, Sosumi.

worth it? For these and other burning questions, register for our JEWISH FEDERATION OF METROPOLITAN CHICAGO
daily tweets. #truemeaning#huh?