Page 90 - Likutei Tipshim

קחשל שרדמה תיב
Do your children have a hard time owning up to the things they have
done? The Chicago Parenting Initiative invites you to a lecture by famed
Russian moralist Yuri Sponsible.
There are many different minhagim and stringencies that make us look
strange or unusual to other people. Learn how to fulfill your obligations
while trying to look rational (think swinging chickens over your head and
eating a huge kezayis of matza in a very short period of time). Dr. Lee,
the Emily Post of the halachic world, is offering a crash course on how to
be makpid on mitzvos in the modern world. When it comes to doing
mitzvos in public take the Norma Lee approach to life.
The Chicago Parenting Initiative is offering math help for your children.
We have brought in expert math Professor, Z. L. Wright PHD. See your
children‟s test scores soar with the tried and true techniques of Dr. Zack
Lee Wright.
The Inclusive Council of Touhy Ave. wishes to inform the public that
upon investigation we are pleased to announce that every shul on Touhy
is LGBT friendly. Everyone welcomes Litvaks, Galitzianers, Bresslovers
& Taymanim.
Announcing The Chicago Hashavas Avaidah Program. We would like to
welcome Rabbi Zeke N. Yeshallfind who will head this wonderful new
addition to our ongoing programs.
Join us this Motzei Shabbos for a presentation by Dr William Power on
meaningful ways we can improve our lives. Whether you are trying to
improve physically or spiritually, you are sure to find practical advice
from Dr. Will Power.
Are children making too much noise in your shul? Master child psy-
chologists Dr. D. Aven and Dr. Sydney Downe are offering their exper-
tise to parents & youth directors in our community. Come this Sunday.
Learn and be inspired by the amazing techniques of Drs. Syd Downe &
D. Aven.
Congratulations to Warren Thomas Harding on opening his small appli-
ance insurance company. Make sure your appliances are covered. Con-
tact Warren T.
Local high-tech startup has an immediate opening for a Director of
Social Media. Must be intimately familiar with all the latest trends in dig-
ital marketing and online media, social networking, high-tech tools,
gadgets, and applications. Please submit typewritten resume (double-
spaced) to 1234 Main Street, Old School, IL or fax to BR7-4657.
FADD. Fathers Against Distracted Driving is starting a crowd sourcing
drive to install a horn on all stoplights in the area. Now, the same second
the light turns green, it will honk, alerting all drivers to stop texting and
start driving.
Announcing a new shiur on inyonim of tzniyus, given by world renown
tznius expert, Rebbitzen Sima Lev Wattyur-Wearing.
Making a wedding? Having trouble getting your invitees to respond?
ACME collection agency, the company you've come to count on for your
accounts receivable is starting a wedding division. We start with a friend-
ly call asking your invitees if they are coming to your wedding. If they
can't commit, we inform them they will be turned over to our legal dept.
Guaranteed results. Check out our web site at:
www.HowHardIsItToSayYesOrNo.com
Hakaras Hatov! A big thank you to the city of Evanston for their plastic
bag ban and the return of brown paper grocery bags. Thanks to you, we
are clearing hundreds of more acres of forests.
Lumberjack Union Local 207
Looking for an innovative answer to your problems? Can‟t see a good
way out of your situation? Order our Bina Yesayra Herbal Tea for that
special inspiration. It comes complete with a beautiful Yiddishe Cup.
WWW.smartkup.yid
Special shiur this Purim. The Shushaner Rebbe will be in town to dis-
cuss some of the more esoteric aspects of Purim. We will explore
“Giving your dog shalach manos” (after all he is man‟s best friend) and
“Can I be yotzei mishloach manos giving a salami to a vegetarian?”
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Thoughts to Ponder:
Why do we sing meshanichnas adar to the tune of “Jump down turn
around, pick a bale of cotton „?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?
In memory of Yogi Berra, we present some Yogiisms:
You can observe a lot by watching.
The future ain't what it used to be
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice
there is.
It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too
much
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Likutei Tipshim is not now and has never been associated with any fine institutions of
higher learning in the city of Chicago or its environs.
Ideas? Comments? Send email to likutei-tipshim@juno.com
The contents of this publication have been certified Torah free. May contain some trace
elements of gematria. Written in a facility where people eat peanuts.
Money back guarantee: If this issue fails to produce at least one chuckle and/or one
smile, return to point of purchase for a fool refund.
THIS PUBLICATION IS STILL NOT A RECIPIENT OF THE JEWISH
FEDERATION OF METROPOLITAN CHICAGO
יל וק
םירופ
Humor Training College
Likutei Tipshim 2016 A member of the North Shore University Humor System
Volume Loud Number 1 Official Sponsor of the 2016 Presidential Election
Disclaimer: We, at Lekutei Tipshim, wish to once again inform the public that we are in
no way affiliated, associated, or otherwise related to any institution or organization
currently publishing similar types of periodicals, weeklies, etc.
This year‟s Likutei Tipshim is brought to you by The City Council of Chicago.
We would like to announce the implementation of the new “Laugh Tax”. It will
cost you 5 cents for every smirk, 10 for each smile and 50 cents for each laugh &
if you opt to throw this publication away you will be subject to the garbage tax.
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Actual shaylos from the Choshen V’Efod Kollel:
Q. I daven in a shul that requests all mispallalim turn off their cell phones
before davening. I made a personal kabala that I would follow this minhag
and turn off my phone before I start to daven. I went to daven mincha and
realized I forgot my phone at the office. Do I have to run back to the office
to turn off my phone before I daven or can I stay and daven anyway?
A. There are several issues that need to be explored in order to properly
answer your question.
1. Does a personal kabala obligate a person in all cases or do we say that
when the kabala was made, it was meant for usual situations? Is an unusual
scenario ever part of the original kabala?
2. Even if unusual situations were not part of the original kabala, neverthe-
less, the bottom line is, you accepted to always turn off your phone. We
know that “m‟dvar sheker tirchuk”, you must avoid speaking untruths, and
a “man‟s word is his word”.
After much debate, the Rosh Kollel Rabbi Isser Hetar feels you have 2
lechatchila options. Preferably, call your office and have someone turn off
your phone for you. If that isn‟t possible, you can sell your phone to a goy
for the duration of the davening.
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It's not too late: Join the 3 in 1 initiative. You can be mikayim 3 mitzvos
all at the same time with The Chicago Jewish Poverty Initiative Edible
Purim Cards. The revenue collected from these cards will be distributed to
the poor on Purim. Being edible, if you give two, you can also fulfill the
mizva of mishloach manos. They can then eat it and voila - it is a Purim
seuda as well. Now you can really put your money where your mouth is.
Available in Milchig, Fleishig, Pareve, Vegan & Gluten Free .
www.EatYourWords.com