Page 94 - Likutei Tipshim

קחשל שרדמה תיב
Are you scheduled for a hearing in front of a judge and worried your side
will not be heard properly? Call Beltone, we specialize in hearing aids.
Monday Shushan Purim join the residents that live around Albany from
Touhy to Howard as we dedicate the street Honorary Aleppo Lane.
Save the date. The first annual dinner for Tipshus International will take
place on Sunday March 12, as we pay honor to the United Nations. Their
Human Rights Council, and the UNESCO’s World Heritage List, just to
name a few, have brought tipshus to a whole new level. Please join us as
we present them with the coveted Haman award for 2017. If you are una-
ble to join us, you can download a copy of our “me shekeylayl” at
becholdorvador/meshekeylayl.org
How many times have you been to a kiddush and can’t get close to the
food because of the crowds? Introducing the Shabbos grama drone. This
highly sophisticated drone can fly over the crowds and with it’s grap-
pling hook snatch anything from matjes herring to the most delicate pas-
try and with the scoop attachment even cholent is now within your reach.
For more information check out our website www.bashamayimhe.com
All the shuls on Touhy Ave. have come together to declare Touhy from
Rockwell to Albany a Sanctuary City. As such we will not prosecute an-
yone using our sanctuaries without membership.
Before the MLB ( Main Learning Beismedrash) trading deadline: A Shul
on Touhy is looking to trade a hashkama minyan for 40 new members
and a chazan to be named at a later date. All interested parties can email
proposals to: space?@boilerroom.com.
Likutei Tipshim is offended at being called “fake news.” The tzibur
should know we are just as factual and unbiased as the New York Times
and CNN. And we take pride in the fact that the White House hasn’t in-
vited us to any of it’s “off briefings” or “ Gaggles .“
The Institute of Open Minded Liberal Thinking Unbiased Citizens is ask-
ing all like minded free thinkers to come out in support of our first
amendment right of free speech and shout down anyone who doesn’t
agree with us.
Mazel tov to Mr. Telsik on the opening up of his B&B. When you need a
place for visiting relatives remember Moe Telsiks. For more info go to
wellkeepthelightonforyou.com.
Much hatzlacha to the latest addition to the variety of kosher restaurants
in Chicago. “Kosher Karma” is unique as there is no menu: You get
what you deserve.
Inviting the community to a seminar on wealth management. Our topics
will include Keeping a perspective on affluence and Always remember
money is the root of all wealth. But remember that your real wealth is
what you have that money can’t buy.
We regret to announce the cancellation of the Parshas Zachor Shiur this
Shabbos. It seems the magid shiur worked so hard on the topic of
mechias zecher amalek he forgot everything. Please keep Rabbi Shaun
Furgessen in your prayers.
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Thoughts to Ponder:
Are Trans fats, fats that feel like a protein?
Just because you have the right to remain silent doesn’t mean you have
the ability.
Does running behind count as exercise?
If you have always believed that everyone should play by the same rules
and be judged by the same standards, that would have gotten you labeled
a radical 60 years ago, a liberal 30 years ago and a racist today. Dr.
Thomas Sowell.
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Questions for Thought and Study
1. What did the Dr. say when a man walked into his office and said, “
Doc, you have to help me. I’m shrinking.”
2. Why was I born a pessimist?
3. Why did the lights go out?
4. Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative num-
bers?
Answers:
1. You’ll have to wait and be a little patient.
2. Your blood type is B negative.
3. They liked each other
4. He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
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Having trouble reading this? Keep in mind bifocals are H’ way of say-
ing, “Keep your chin up.”
Likutei Tipshim is not now and has never been associated with any fine institutions of
higher learning in the city of Chicago or its environs.
Ideas? Comments? Send email to likutei-tipshim@juno.com
The contents of this publication have been certified Torah free. May contain some trace
elements of gematria. Written in a facility where people eat peanuts.
Money back guarantee: If this issue fails to produce at least one chuckle and/or one
smile, return to point of purchase for a fool refund.
THIS PUBLICATION IS STILL NOT A RECIPIENT OF THE JEWISH
FEDERATION OF METROPOLITAN CHICAGO
םישפט יטוקיל
םירופ
Likutei Tipshim 2017 Humor Training College
A member of the North Shore University Humor System
Volume Loud Number 1 MAKING TIPSHUS GREAT AGAIN
Disclaimer: We, at Lekutei Tipshim, wish to once again inform the public that we
are in no way affiliated, associated, or otherwise related to any institution or or-
ganization currently publishing similar types of periodicals, weeklies, etc.
Disclaimer #2: Any similarity of persons or situations currently playing out in
Washington DC to the Purim Story is merely coincidental... or not.
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An unusual anomaly takes place this Purim. Motzei Shabbos we change
the clocks. While on the surface, it would seem a random event that just
happens to coincide with Purim. In truth, it is a sign of how H’ is watching
over us. Many people want to be mikayem the unique mitzvah of ad dlo
yoda but for many reasons can’t. This year with the time change and loss
of an hour of sleep, when the shul announces davening at 8, is that 8 am
new time or old time? Is it really starting at 7 or 9? We will be so confused
trying to figure out what time davening is, telling Mordecai and Haman
apart will be the least of our problems, and hence be mikayem ad dlo yoda
without the need of any wine.
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TALES FROM THE FRONT LINES OF KIRUV: Wanting to introduce a
coworker to the beauty of Shabbos, Berel (not his real name) invited him to
his house to experience a real Shabbos. Friday night they came home from
shul and made kiddush on a fine wine. In the middle of the meal, they
made a “l’chaim” and of course bentched on a kos. After dinner they went
to a shalom zachor, had some beer as well as other “spirits”. The next
morning, after davening, they went home, made kiddush on some fine wine
and after the fish made a l’chaim with some excellent scotch and had a red
wine with dessert. After making havdala on wine, the host asked his guest,
“Well, what was your impression of your first Shabbos?” His guest replied,
“I still don’t understand why you can’t use electricity on Shabbos but at
least now I know why you are not allowed to drive.”
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The Cook County Board is extremely concerned with the health of all of its
citizens. It is for this reason they have decided to expand the sugar tax to
include all food and beverages and instead make it a calorie tax. Starting
March 13, all food will be taxed at 1 cent per calorie thus encouraging our
citizens to eat healthier by cutting back on their caloric intake without the
Board having to cut back on their spending or salaries.