Page 15 - HaMizrachi #10 Yom Yerushalayim - Shavuot 5779

PARENTING
Constructive CRITICISM
It is not in our children’s best
interest – nor our own – to become
their friends. That is, we should be
friendly, but we do them no favor if
we allow them to do as they please. At
times, it is grueling being a parent and
having to guide a child who doesn’t
particularly want direction.
It’s much easier in the short term
to allow misdeeds to go unnoticed.
But in the long term, you face an
increased risk of raising unruly
children whose moral compass may
be underdeveloped. It is of utmost
importance to give clear guidelines
and direction to your children.
Setting limits for your children and
establishing boundaries are crucial
for their success – at home and in
school. Having a set of house rules and
expectations for appropriate behavior,
dress, and language are all critical parts is a dish best served cold.” I’d like to
of the ‘mission statement’ of any family.
And while it is true that our children
will learn more from what we do than
from what we say, guidance in the
form of constructive criticism is an
integral component of parenting.
Our challenge is to couch the criticism
in a constructive way so that: (1) Our
children internalize the important
messages that we wish to convey
to them, and (2) the end result is
improvement and a desire to grow,
not increased friction and tension that
may harm our relationship with our
beloved children.
A DISH SERVED WARM
Rabbi Ya’akov Kaminetsky zt”l
offered an insightful commentary
on delivering proper tochacha
(constructive criticism). He pointed
out that in the initial encounter
between Ya’akov Avinu and the
shepherds of Lavan, Ya’akov addressed
the shepherds as brothers – “My
brothers, from where do you come?”
(Genesis 29:4)
Rabbi Kaminetsky explained that
Ya’akov’s sense of honesty and
integrity was offended by the fact
that the shepherds had finished their
workday early and were, in effect,
being dishonest with their employer
by cheating him out of a full day’s
work. Ya’akov wanted to rebuke them
– and did so later in the conversation
– but decided to begin with words of
brotherhood and friendship.
There is a famous expression, “revenge
paraphrase that and say that “criticism
is a dish best served warm.”
If you have a message to deliver, make
sure it is delivered calmly and, most
importantly, with love. If you cannot
do that, wait until you can. If your
child feels that you’re just venting your say. You are probably just going to get
anger and you are disgusted with him
or her, then no matter how articulate
you are, what comes across instead is
“Mommy or Daddy doesn’t like me.”
FINDING THE RIGHT MOMENT
It’s very important that the message of
tochacha does not get blurred by the
static of anger. Of course, this is very
difficult to do when there’s tumult and
emotions are flying high. That is when
it is best to delay saying anything.
Rabbi Yakov Horowitz
One Friday morning, I got a phone call
from a fellow whose son got suspended
for a full week from an out-of-town
yeshiva for a series of infractions. The
boy was flying home for the week, and
his father wanted to know what to say
to his son when he picked him up at
the airport.
I said, “I think you should tell him that
you’re disappointed in what he did, but
that you love him unconditionally, and
that you’ll always be there for him.”
He was surprised. “That’s it?”
“You should also tell him that you’re
terribly upset that this happened, but
you want to make believe he came
home for an unscheduled visit. And
that you’ll discuss this important
matter with him after Shabbat.”
“Nothing else?! After what he did?!,”
the father asked me.
“Look, he’s expecting you to attack
him as soon as he gets off that plane.
He is going to be highly defensive and
is not likely to listen to anything you
into a bitter argument with him. But
if you say nothing now, he will be very
relieved and grateful. And when you
speak with him after Shabbat, you are
going to have a much better chance
of having a meaningful conversation
with him, because he will be listening
to you. You will have a much better
chance to make a positive impact
when he is calm and grateful for your
patience.”
Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, Founding Dean of
Yeshiva Darchei Noam of Monsey, is an
educator, author and child safety advocate
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