Page 268 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Reason To Sing

a normal response to a pregnant wife. I tried not to take it
personally, but that’s a hard thing to do, especially in that
delicate condition.
Once Keldon was born and I was a nursing mother, things
weren’t much better. One cry and everything went downhill.
Gord had never really experienced babies or small children so
nothing about parenthood comes easy for him. Whereas me,
being a mother is second nature and I love it. But I am also still
very much into my husband. I love him. I adore him. I love his
body and I want to have sex!
We don’t. We just keep spinning on the hamster wheel and
I just keep giving Gord the benefit of the doubt. I have to
assume it’s all part of being a new husband and father. But I
am feeling the rejection. It’s scaring me. My heart is breaking,
piece by piece. It’s brutally painful.
Have you ever shaved your legs and nicked the front part
of your shin or the back of your ankle? And it just won’t stop
bleeding? You dab a tiny piece of toilet paper on the cut. It
stops for a while but when you check on it again, the blood
has trickled all the way down your leg. Sometimes that tiny cut
will bleed and bleed and you wonder if it’s ever going to stop.
Two days later, after you have forgotten all about the cut, you
nick the same spot, because it’s not quite healed yet. And the
bleeding starts again.
That’s what my heart feels like. I thought that after leaving
Hudson and my former life, things would be different. I
thought all the healing had taken place forever. But now the
old wound is reopened. And this pain is even worse.
God is the only thing I can hold on to right now. But I
desperately miss the feel of flesh and bones wrapped around
me. I need my husband, not just the Holy Spirit.
I could grow bitter and angry towards God, but I do not. I

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