Page 273 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Chapter Forty-Four

As the months pass, Gord and I become more and more
like roommates. There is very little physical contact and all
emotional intimacy has vanished. It seems that, ever since we
got married, I have been chasing my husband. He always seems
to have one foot out the door and I’m always reaching for his
coat tails. I can just never grab on. He keeps running away.
Over and over again. In every sense.
I can’t help but feel like there is something drastically wrong
with me. Why else is it that people can’t just love me? Why
is there never a sense of peace in my soul? Why am I being
tortured by someone that I have chosen to love, to invest in, to
make a home with and together, bring a child into the world?
It’s impossible for me to understand why this is happening.
While Gord continues to run away, I continue to hang on
tightly to God. What does that look like, you might ask? How
does one hold tightly to the almighty Creator, the Holy One,
the God of the universe? How can one hold on to a Spiritual
force? I focus on my strong belief that the supernatural power
I am tapping into will empower me with a strength that is far
beyond anything on this earthly plane. I will endure this phase
Gord is going through. We will come through this difficult
time. I have to believe. I simply have to. My very existence
depends on it. God will turn my husband around. Gord will
take responsibility for Keldon and me and we will be a happy
family once again. He will love me and desire fervently the
marriage we dreamed about. He has to. He just has to.
Prayer keeps me going. A constant dialogue. Dear God, I
am desperate to be loved by my husband, to be desired by him
and for him to want to be a family. I ask you, Lord, what am I
to do while waiting for the changes to take place?
Navigating through these murky waters leaves me
bewildered and helpless. I think Gord simply needs to have

259