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betrayed. I left in the middle of the night. I saw him on a few

other occasions but kept breaking it off.

However, I would start missing him and call and ask
him if I could see him. He reminded me that I left him and
that I “do it all the time.” He said he would give me another

chance though. I promised him that I wouldn’t leave again. It
was sad. I was losing all self-respect and self-worth knowing
that what I was doing was wrong.

The behavior was not “the me” that I had known in the
past. I continued meditating and focusing on my desires,
which began to include being in a relationship with John. I

had started to see visions me and John having a picnic in the
park or dancing. The visions seemed beautiful and right, so I
would open myself up to the “universe,” asking it to give me
what I wanted.

I started going out to dance clubs on the weekends

with a close friend. I had even bought two hits of Ecstasy and
cut them into fourths so that I could take a little bit here and
there. I was trying to forget John and be happy due to the
moral dilemma, but no matter how many men talked to me,
I still felt a dark cloud hanging over my head engulfing and
swallowing me up. I couldn’t fight it on my own. It was way

more powerful than me.

I tried to remind myself to not contact him. I would
stalk his MySpace page and see that he was depressed by the
things he would write. I then started looking at his wife’s

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