Page 98 - Essentials of Human Communication

Principles of Verbal Messages 77

Keep in mind that assertiveness is not always the most desirable response. Effec- Communication
tively assertive people are assertive when they want to be, but they can back down if Choice point
the situation calls for it—for example, when they risk emotionally hurting another acting assertively
person. Let’s say that an older relative wishes you to do something for her or him. The person you’ve been
You could assert your rights and say no, but because this would probably hurt this dating for the last few months is wonderful
person’s feelings, it might be better simply to do as asked. and you’re looking forward to continuing
A note of caution should be added to this discussion. It’s easy to visualize a situ- this relationship. The only problem is that
ation such as this one: People are talking behind you in a movie theater, and you— your partner uses language more vulgar
drawing from your newfound enthusiasm for assertiveness—tell them to be quiet. than you can stand. You’ve expressed your
It’s also easy to see yourself getting smashed in the teeth as a result. In applying the displeasure about this, but nothing has
principles of assertive communication, be careful that you don’t go beyond what you changed. You need to be more assertive.
can handle effectively. What options do you have for communicating
more assertively?

Messages are influenCeD by Culture anD genDer
Your verbal messages are influenced in large part by your culture and gender. Let’s look first
at some of the cultural influences.

Cultural influences Your culture teaches you that certain ways of using verbal messages
are acceptable and certain ways are not. When you follow these cultural rules, or cultural
principles, in communicating, you’re seen as a properly functioning member of the culture.
When you violate the principles, you risk being seen as deviant or perhaps as offensive. Here
are a variety of such principles:

● Principle of cooperation. In any communication interaction, both
parties will hope for cooperation—that they will make an effort to
help each other to understand each other (Grice, 1975). That is, we
assume cooperation, for example, that the other person will tell the
truth, talk about what is relevant, and be as clear and as informa-
tive as possible.
● Principle of peaceful relations. This principle holds that when you
communicate, your primary goal is to maintain peaceful relation-
ships. This means that you would never insult anyone; in fact,
when communicating according to this principle, you may even
express agreement with someone when you really disagree, which
violates the principle of cooperation (Midooka, 1990).
● Principle of self-denigration. This principle advises you to avoid
taking credit for accomplishments and to minimize your abilities
or talents in conversation (Gu, 1997). At the same time, through
self-denigration you raise the image of the people with whom
you’re talking. ViEwPOints
● Principle of directness. As explained earlier, directness and indi- Culture and vocabulary
rectness communicate different impressions. Levels of directness A widely held assumption in anthropology, linguistics, and
also vary greatly from culture to culture and between men and communication is that the importance of a concept to a
women. In most of the United States, directness is the preferred culture can be measured by the number of words the lan-
style. “Be up front” and “Tell it like it is” are commonly heard guage has for talking about the concept. So, for example,
communication guidelines. Contrast these with the following two in English there are many words for money, transportation,
principles of indirectness found in the Japanese language and communication—all crucial to the English-speaking
(Tannen, 1994a): world. With this principle in mind, consider the findings of
Julia Stanley, for example. Stanley researched English-
● Omoiyari, close in meaning to empathy, says that listeners need language terms indicating sexual promiscuity and found
to understand the speaker without the speaker’s being specific 220 terms referring to a sexually promiscuous woman but
or direct. This style places a much greater demand on the lis- only 22 terms for a sexually promiscuous man (Thorne,
tener than would a direct speaking style. Kramarae, & Henley, 1983). What does this finding suggest
● Sassuru advises listeners to anticipate a speaker’s meanings and to about our culture’s attitudes and beliefs about promiscuity
use subtle cues from the speaker to infer his or her total meaning. in men and women?