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Aging Parents Have the Right

to Make Bad Decisions

Here’s How to Navigate

By Amy Cameron O’Rourke
Author of The Fragile Years

want to control my aging parents, but dangers, is a normal response. But when than what your aging parents are ready for.
“I I think I’m going to lose this battle.” is—or isn’t— it the right thing to do? Ratchet down, go slow. Seek solutions that
This quote in a recent Wall Street From my 40 years of experience as a are small in size and build from there.
Journal article refers specifically to one care manager to older adults, I have come Lighten your emotional baggage.
woman’s wish that she could rein in her to believe that it’s best for adult children to Lingering feelings of anger or frustra-
older parents from resuming their usual give up any thought of “controlling” their tion toward your parent will block deci-
pre-COVID social life now that they’re aging parents, even if this means allowing sion-making and trust. Seek outside help
vaccinated. She’s worried that despite the them to make bad decisions. Trying to from friends or professionals to work
vaccine, their many gatherings at church control them will ultimately prove as futile through these unresolved issues.
and with friends could still pose a risk to as telling kids what to do over and over Build a support team. Siblings, friends,
their safety. again. Instead, my advice is to work with nieces, rabbis, nurses, colleagues, attor-
But the same statement could be made them to help them feel more comfortable neys, financial advisors... Who can listen
by countless other adults who long to with assistance, whether from loved ones and bring ideas to the table? Who will
protect their aging parents from countless or a professional caregiver. your parents trust? Ask your community
other potential dangers: driving when their Navigating this process takes patience for referrals. One good referral can lead to
eyesight and reflexes are not what they and skill. Here are a few steps you can take another.
used to be, climbing ladders to clean out to make it go more smoothly: If you feel you need an additional layer
the gutter of their home, keeping—and Get involved early in the game. While of support in navigating this and other
eating—expired food in the fridge. These I was assessing an older woman on her challenges of the Fragile Years, you might
things happen. All the time. daughter’s request, the woman said to me consider hiring a professional care manag-
So do lifestyle changes affecting older “my daughter thinks I am dying, doesn’t er. Care managers help families transition
loved ones’ health and fitness that younger she?” The daughter hadn’t visited in three through the Fragile Years together. Yes, it
generations wish they could fix. Refrains years. Her sudden involvement was a red can be expensive. But there’s always the
like “stand up straight, mom,” “let’s go to flag. To some, this can feel like a death option to pay for a few sessions and create
the gym together,” “try walking three times knell. If you are involved on a regular basis a game plan together. A care manager can
a day,” and “what if you got meals deliv- over the years, your presence and support also help save money over time by helping
ered?” are all too common. will not be alarming, and your parent will you make better choices from the outset,
Most often, these efforts to control be more inclined to cooperate with your avoiding costly errors.
parents’ behavior are met by resistance. initiatives rather than resist. As with the other approaches above,
Adults in their Fragile Years resist attempts Spend some extended periods of time this will bring greater peace of mind.
by their children to help them stay healthy with your parent. The 72-hour visit con-
and safe because they fear help is a sign cept laid out by Dr. Dennis McCullough in Amy Cameron O’Rourke is a
that the end of life is approaching and his book My Mother, Your Mother is very nationally-known pioneer and
that they’re no longer in control. This is effective. The goal is to spend time with the advocate for senior care in the U.S.
especially pronounced when it comes to parent over an extended period of time. She has been a professional care
the big and touchy decision about getting No judgment, no convincing them to do manager for more than 40 years, with
help. An older client once told me that she anything; just be there. You can observe, 20 of those years at the helm of The
saw accepting a caregiver as “the beginning get a better sense of your parent’s capaci- Cameron Group (now Arosa), which
of the end.” ties, and build trust. she founded, as well as O’Rourke &
Watching a parent who was once Avoid using the tone of voice you Associates in Orlando, Florida. Amy
strong, upright, and clear-thinking dimin- would with a child. It’s a surefire way to fail! is also the author of The Fragile Years.
ish is painful and sad. And trying to get the Proceed slowly. Chances are your
parent to not decline, and to stay clear of ideas are bigger and more complicated

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