Page 33 - TX_Marketing 2_M1_v2

We don't want the important information about the rental rates to get lost in the

jargon. By removing the less important statistics, we make those that we need to
directly prove our point easier to grasp.

Final Revision
To finish editing the passage, let us re-examine what we want to "prove" (our artistic

information):

Comparing vacancy rates is important.
The company should build more houses in California as oppose to Alabama.

After cutting the extraneous data, we have the following inartistic information to
"prove" the previously listed artistic information:

Our company builds houses.

We need to decide between Alabama and California.
The rental vacancy rate in Alabama is 11.8.

The rental vacancy rate in California is 3.7.

The rental vacancy rate in D.C. is 5.9.
The rental vacancy rate in New Jersey is 4.5.

We want to move from inartistic information to artistic information. We should
probably start with the information that the company builds houses and that we're

either going to build in California or Alabama because these two pieces of
information present the situation at hand; explain the point of the passage; and

could lead us into our first point: that comparing rental rates in several locations is

important in determining where we should build our houses. We will then offer the
market information, and then our conclusion that we should build in California as

opposed to Alabama.

Below is an edited passage. Read it carefully and see if it's easier to pick out the

"point" of the passage. Can you tell why the statistical information is there?

TX Marketing II: Negotiation Techniques 32