Page 13 - Relationships101 A Guide To Building Healthy Relationships Final 1

It was a lot to bear. I got caught up in my pain and anger occasionally and contributed to the toxic
energy a few times. It is hard to put the words together in a way that conveys the complexity of the
entrapment and snare of toxic behavior. I guess the best way to explain it is to say it is like being tied up
with a rope in a hitch knot. A hitch knot is a knot you use when you want to tie something to a stable,
immovable object that is not moving. When ONE end of the rope is pulled, this creates TENSION
which tightens the knot by PULLING the OTHER end in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION. Like the
avoidance arguments, the rope tightens with every move you make to free yourself and only increases
the existing discomfort, pain, and trauma instead of freeing you.

It got to the point where the pain of their responses when trying to fix things became unbearable. It is
like not being allowed to treat an obvious open wound with ointment so it will not become infected. It
may hurt for a moment when you treat it, but it will get better because the wound has been addressed.
But if left untreated, chances are, it will become infected, and you may lose a limb.

It takes a long time to realize and better yet, accept the fact that wanting to have a loving and healthy
bond with your family is something you may one day have to give up. I was trying to identify our toxic
patterns from the past that are going on today; not to dwell on the past, but to identify negative patterns
and fix them in the present. However, the definition of insanity is “repeating the same mistakes and
expecting different results.” You simply cannot make another person want to heal if they are not ready.

I was fed up with a lifetime of my actions being reciprocated by denial-based, because I do not want to
deal with my own behavior, blame the victim feedback. And after being told by my mom, who on more
than one occasion told me that she purposefully abuses me. Knowing she purposely abuses me, she also
told me and others that I always play the victim. And she laughed in my face when I told her I was
going to leave her alone because of the way she treats me. With a smirk on her face, she said, “You
always say that, but you’re not going anywhere.”

And she was right, I left her alone for a month, but I was lured back into thinking she was ready to heal
our connection. Remember, her abuse was covert, not openly acknowledge or displayed so I would get
caught in her web. It took about two more attacks before I finally gave up. And it was an attack done
behind my back that made me realize that my family is choosing to treat me like this. I recognized that
for me to continue to give access to people who get pleasure out of continually hurting me is insanity.
And I finally let go of a lifetime of trying to get them to see how this dynamic has affected my quality of
life. I am done. I finally grew weary of the arguments when all I was looking for was for them to help
stop the dysfunction and heal the pain.

It does not have to take that long for you. You can avoid repeating these cycles now by learning what is
in this book.

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