Page 8 - Relationships101 A Guide To Building Healthy Relationships Final 1

Facing ourselves is one of the hardest things to do. We avoid doing it perhaps out of fear of what we
might find out about ourselves. Resolving issues with others in a healthy manner requires the ability to
evaluate ourselves honestly. It is important to know if or where we have some ownership on an issue.

Some of us are not ready to look at our behavior and are determined to avoid doing so at all costs. It is
so easy to espouse what others have done to us. But when we point one finger at someone, there are
three more pointing back at us. Not many of us can handle hearing or discovering what we may be
contributing to a problem.

I love my family, but to find balance in my life. I had to accept reality about the people whom I had
spent a lifetime investing my time trying to establish healthy bonds. Not facing the truth about the toxic
family behavior sabotaged my relationships with others in ways I did not see. One day I was crying and
I could not find the reason. In my search for a reason, I realized that I was not accepting the reality of the
fact that my parents are abusers. My father is a sociopath. A sociopath is a person with a personality
disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.
Synonyms: madman/madwoman · mad person · deranged person · maniac · lunatic · psychotic. And my
mother is a passive-aggressive abuser. A passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse and, as a
result, can be considered an abuser. Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger
in a healthy way. A person’s feelings may be so repressed that they don’t even realize they are angry or
feeling resentment.

When I accepted the reality of who my parents are, I began to see the toxic energy clearly and started
focusing on healing myself without them. It was liberating.

To this day, my parents have never identified or come to terms with the insecurities that they projected
on us from childhood and currently in adulthood. They act on their impulses even when it means they
hurt the ones they love.

My father released his frustration, anger, and insecurities through extreme corporal punishment. I
remember receiving my first harsh beating with a belt on my first day of pre-school at the age of 4, to
transitioning to being beaten for years with a multi-folded extension cord, a hairbrush, and a curtain rod.
From the age of 4, my dad would line us up in the hallway and beat us one by one until he felt better. I
am sure my mom felt helpless having to watch her babies be severely beaten for years and was
traumatized by it all.

But the dysfunction I encountered did not end with my dad. After years of dealing with cycles of toxic
energy with my mother, who as a passive aggressive abuser, abused me covertly. Which means, not
openly acknowledged, or displayed. And then she played with my head and made me think I was
imagining that people were picking on me. Even now. She purposely made me think something was
wrong with me.

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