Page 171 - It Ends with Us

—Li ly

I flip to the nex t page, but it’s blank . Tha t was the last time I ev er
wrote to Ellen.
I also nev er hea rd from Atlas again, and a hu ge part of me nev er
blamed hi m. He almost died at the ha nd s of my father. There’ s no t

much room for forgivenes s there.
I knew he sur vived and tha t he was okay, bec ause my curiosity ha s
somet imes gotten the bes t of me over the yea rs and I’d find wha t I
could about hi m onl ine. There wasn’t much, tho ugh. Eno ugh to let
me kno w he’d sur vived and that he was in the military.
I still nev er got hi m out of my hea d, tho ugh. Time made thi ng s
bet ter, but somet imes I would see somet hi ng tha t would rem ind me of
hi m and it would put me in a funk . It wasn’t unt il I was in colleg e for a

couple of yea rs and dating someo ne el se tha t I rea lized maybe Atlas
wasn’t supposed to be my whole life. Maybe he was onl y supposed to
be a part of it.
Maybe love isn’t somet hi ng tha t comes full circle. It just eb bs and
flows, in and out, just like the peo ple in our lives .

On a particularly lonel y ni ght in colleg e, I went alone to a tattoo
studio and ha d a hea rt put in the spot where he used to kiss me. It’s a
tiny hea rt, about the size of a thu mbprint , and it looks just like the
hea rt he car ved for me out of the oak tree. It’s no t fully closed at the
top and I wonder if Atlas car ved the hea rt like tha t on purpose.
Bec ause tha t’s ho w my hea rt feel s ev er y time I thi nk about hi m. It just
feel s like there’ s a little ho le in it, let ting out all the air.

After colleg e I end ed up moving to Boston, no t nec es sarily bec ause
I was ho ping to find hi m, but bec ause I ha d to see for mysel f if Boston
rea lly was bet ter. Plet ho ra hel d no thi ng for me any way, and I want ed
to get as far away from my father as I could. Even tho ugh he was sick
and could no long er hu rt my mother, he still someho w made me want
to es cape the ent ire state of Maine, so tha t’s ex actly wha t I did.

Seei ng Atlas in hi s res taurant for the firs t time fil led me with so
many em otions , I didn’t kno w ho w to proces s them . I was glad to see
tha t he was okay. I was ha ppy tha t he looked hea lthy. But I would be
lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit hea rtbroken tha t he nev er tried to
find me like he promised .