Page 259 - It Ends with Us

Chapter Thirty-Two

Of all the sec rets I’ve hel d over the last few mont hs , I’m the saddes t
about keep ing ev er ythi ng from my mother. I don’t kno w ho w she’l l
take it. I kno w she’l l be ex cited about the preg na nc y, but I don’t kno w
ho w she ’ll feel about me and R yle splitting up. She loves R yle. And

based on her hi story with thes e types of situations , she’l l probably find
it ver y ea sy to ex cuse hi s beha vior and try and conv inc e me to take
hi m back. And in all ho nes ty, tha t’s part of the rea son I’ve been
stalling thi s, bec ause I’m scared there’ s a cha nc e she might be
succes sful.

Most days I’m strong . Most days I’m so mad at hi m tha t the
tho ught of ev er forgiving hi m is ludicrous. But some days I miss hi m
so much I can’t brea the. I miss the fun I ha d with hi m. I miss making
love to hi m. I miss missing him. He used to work so many ho urs tha t
when he would walk in the front door at ni ght I would rush across the
room and jump in hi s arms bec ause I missed hi m so much. I ev en
miss ho w much he loved it when I would do tha t.

It’s the no t-so-strong days when I wish my mother knew about
ev er ythi ng tha t was going on. I somet imes just want to drive over to
her ho use and curl up on the couch with her whi le she tucks my ha ir
behi nd my ea r and tel ls me it’ll all be okay. Somet imes even grown
women need thei r mother’ s comfort so we can just take a brea k from
ha ving to be strong all the time.

I sit in my car, parked in her drivew ay, for a good fiv e minu tes
bef ore I work up the streng th to go ins ide. It sucks tha t I ha ve to do
thi s bec ause I kno w tha t in a way, I’ll be brea king her hea rt, too. I
ha te it when she’s sad and tel ling her I marri ed a man who might be
like my father is going to make her rea lly sad.
When I walk through the front door, she’s in the kitchen layeri ng
no odles in a pan. I don’t rem ove my coat right away for obvious