Page 261 - It Ends with Us

I sha ke my hea d. “No. It was a sho ck. Bel iev e me. ”

She laughs and after ano ther hu g, we both sit down again. I try to
keep up my smile, but it’s no t the smile of an el ated ex pec tant
mother. She sees tha t almost immed iatel y. She slides a ha nd over her
mouth. “Sweet ie, ” she whi sper s. “Wha t’s the matter?”
Unt il this moment , I’ve fought to rem ain strong . I’ve fought to no t
feel too sorr y for mysel f when I’m around other peo ple. But sitting

here with my mother, I crave wea knes s. I just want to be able to give
up for a little whi le. I want her to take over and hug me and tel l me
it’ll all be okay. And for the nex t fif teen minu tes whi le I cry in her
arms, tha t’s ex actly wha t ha ppens . I just stop fig ht ing for mysel f
bec ause I need someo ne el se to do it for me.
I spare her most of the det ails of our rel ations hi p, but I do tel l her
the most important thi ng s. Tha t he’s hu rt me on more tha n one

occasion, and I don’t kno w wha t to do. Tha t I’m scared to ha ve thi s
baby alone. Tha t I’m scared I might make the wrong dec ision. Tha t
I’m scared I’m bei ng too wea k and tha t I sho uld ha ve ha d hi m
arres ted . Tha t I’m scared I’m bei ng too sens itive and I don’t kno w if
I’m overrea cting. Basically, I tel l her ev er ythi ng I ha ven’t ev en been
brave eno ugh to fully admit to mysel f.

She ret riev es some na pkins out of the kitchen and comes back to
the table. After our ey es are fina lly dry, she beg ins to crumple the
na pkin up bet ween her ha nd s, rolling it over in circles as she stares
down at it.
“Do you want to take hi m back?” she asks.
I don’t say yes . But I also don’t say no .
Thi s is the firs t moment sinc e thi s ha s ha ppened tha t I’m bei ng

complet el y ho nes t. I’m ho ne st to her an d to mysel f. Maybe bec ause
she’s the onl y one I kno w who ha s been thro ugh thi s. She’s the onl y
one I kno w who would und er stand the massive amount s of conf usion
I’ve been ex peri enc ing .
I shake my hea d, but I also shrug. “Most of me feel s like I’ll nev er
be able to trust hi m again. But a hu ge part of me griev es wha t I ha d

with hi m. We were so good toget her, Mom. The times I spent with
hi m wer e some of the bes t moment s of my life. And occasiona lly I feel
like maybe I don’t want to give tha t up.”