Page 436 - Under the Cover of Darkness

I don’t know if it was the right decision to move here or
not. It’s a lovely place and a nice big, bright studio space
for my Art but I didn’t realize how hard I would find it
getting around. I’m realizing how bad my mobility is in
this big place. I hoped a big place would prevent my
disabilities getting worse but maybe I’m trying to do too
much - perhaps I should have stayed in the village n got a
ground floor place, maybe even with a garden where I
could have my service dog. I always try to push myself n
do my best but sometimes, even with the best will in the
world some things are beyond capability.

I suppose I have thought of the "ideal" scenario and then
thought if I put myself in it I will be eventually able to
get well enough and strong enough to actually manage it
and live it but so far, it just feels like it’s too much to cope
with and I’m spending more of my time trying to manage
daily tasks than being able to do my art. I always feel a
pressure from others that somehow if I tried hard
enough I could do things but that doesn’t seem to prove
true when it comes to physical disability.

15 March 2016 —
Oooh I can never focus or get on with jobs when I’m
freezing cold n it’s ever so hard to heat this huge place! I
love rambling, gothic mansions but I’d like one with gas
central heating!

16 March 2016 —
Horrible nightmare last night where I kept trying to help
and look after dogs and they kept turning on me and
biting me in the back! What’s that all about?