Page 13 - Kingdom News Edition 3

began attending church regularly, but I found myself if I’m doing this and I’m doing that, they got to love me.
sneaking to church. I really didn’t want my mom to After all, they love God like I do, so they can’t reject me
know I was going to church and liked it because of all because of what I’m doing for them, after all it is the
the time as a kid I church.
fought her about going.
I would go to the 8 am This is just a short version
service and was back of many things that hap-
home relaxing by the pened, but I believe it is the
time my mom would root to where my internal
call and check on me. though processes come
from. Yes, this is my story.
The word I was receiv- These spirits of rejection
ing was convicting me and abandonment had in-
and changing. Grow- tertwined themselves into
ing up and into my all aspect of my life we
younger adulthood I well as other attaching spir-
became promiscuous its.
and was searching for
love, I would give of As described it started be-
myself and end up hurt. fore my birth, but also dur-
It almost felt like I was living a double life because no ing my developmental years by being the old “black” per-
one knew of the things I was opening myself up to, but son in a small town in North Dakota that I grew up in
my main desire was to find love. which strengthened those roots established by my grand-
parents. I didn’t have my first interaction with black peo-
It wasn’t until June 2013, at age 27, where I officially ple until I was a student at the University of North Dakota.
accepted Christ and began to live my life for Him. In my
love for Him, I made myself available to the church to I’m still in the process of breaking free from these things
serve in any capacity so I could just be a help to others. I that hinder me. They are deep, but I know that I am deter-
learned that Christianity was a lifestyle and I began mak- mined. I now realize that when you truly find Jesus, that
ing changes in my life. It was through the conviction of you don’t have to “do” in order to obtain the love; His love
the Word that God delivered me from the acts of fornica- is always available. Now the best way to look for love is to
tion and the bad choices being made in my “secret life”. open the Bible and read of the promises He has given to us
There was a strong desire within me where I didn’t want and learn just how great His love is for each of us.
to disappoint God. God said, “Release it and let it go! Stop carrying so much, I

Do you see what just happened? Let’s go back and re- have not designed you to carry the load you carry on a dai-
view. Rejection and abandonment bombarded me at ly basis. You need to release some things and it is through
infancy. Molestation violated this release that I will set you free.” We can be independ-
my youth. I gave myself to men ent and strong, but not to the place where you can’t be vul-
in search of love. I accepted nerable before the Master who created us. Don’t let your
Christ and gave myself com- independence keep God from moving in your life in the
pletely. But now, instead of men way He desires to move. Give Him your time, it will never
being my focus to find love, I be wasted. Do away with the distractions that keep you
turned to man which I mistaken- from getting to Him. He said, I can see you reaching for
ly called the church. me, but you’re carrying too much and you can’t reach me
and I can’t move until you let go. Release it today to get to
Being thankful to God’s greatness, I began to throw my- the God who created you. He’s here for you, but what are
self into work within in the “church”, but was it just an- you carrying to keep you from Him?
other dysfunctional way of searching for the love I de-
sired to have in my life? I truly love the Lord and am It doesn’t matter that Joseph thought he made a mistake or
thankful that Jesus died on the cross with me on His the grandparents didn’t approve, my life was ordained by
mind, but often times I believe I have a fear that I am God, so for God I live. I thank Him for giving me life and
going to disappoint God. This is why I tend to hold on to in return I want my life to glorify Him. ■
things and not give up when I knew it’s time to give up.
Deep in the subconscious of my mind I think things like,

Kingdom News Magazine—March 2017 Volume 3 ~ Page 13